Q1. What is the ideal start to the day for a Corkonian?

A) Two mile jog to refresh the senses, followed by a skinny decaf
frapppacino and a blueberry muffin, then drive the 200 yards to work in an
unnecessarily enormous Sports Utility Vehicle.
B) Stumble straight from bed into nasty little suit and then to work at the
IFSC, pausing only to snort a line of coke and make a sleazy comment about
the new receptionist's breasts.
C)Fifteen minutes standing in the shower, desperately trying to shake off a
dense alcohol fug and curing God for making it so difficult to smoke and
wash yourself at the same time; followed by an enormous mug of Barry's Tea
and and a black pudding sandwich, which you finish just in time to walk out
the door and see the bus zooming past you.

Q2. What do you wear in bed?
A) Nothing.
B) Burberry print Pyjama bottoms you got in BT2.
C)Heineken promotional t-shirt you won off some ole doll in Reardens about
eight years ago; trackie bottoms with a particularly lurid stain on the
groin area, Na Piarsaigh socks in winter.
The Blarney position

Q3.Have you ever kissed the Blarney Stone?
A) "Hell yea! It was awesome!"
B) "No, but Roisin in accounts says I have a gifted tongue! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
C)"Jeesus, not a hope biy! They piss on that thing! That's disgusting."

Q4. Watching Cork's recent demolition of Clare in the Munster Hurling Semi
Final, did you feel...
A) Somehow magically connected to your Celtic roots.
B)That there was definitely marketing potential in this GAA thing,
particularly out in 'the country'.
C) Feckin' brilliant. The Rebels back on top where they belong, now they
show those culchie upstarts who's boss round these parts.

Q5. Roy Keane is
A) "some soccer dude. Manchester, right? Soccer's great, my daughter and
her little buddies play it all the time."
B) "A Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer, whose outbursts have
probably cost him a fortune in potential product endorsements.'
C) "That's 'Dr. Brilliantly talented but volatile footballer' to you.
Langer."
Daycent

Q6. Have you ever had your picture taken with Liam McCarthy or Sam McGuire?
A) "No, but they sound like great guys!"
B) "No, but I had a picture of me with Twink in Lillies Bordello in VIP
magazine."
C) "Yes. In 1984, 1986, 1988, 1990...do you want me to keep going?"

Q7. Who are the most influential group in pop music?
A) The Beach Boys, for their innovative use of harmony and instrumentation
which pretty much formed modern pop music as it is today.
B) Kraftwerk, for their use of electronics and the understanding that the
kinetics of a song are as important as melody, paving the way for electro and techno.
C) Frank and Walters. Cos they're mad.

Q8. What would your ideal holiday destination be?
A) "Grand Canyon in a Winnebago with the family."
B)"Well, Jonathon's been raving about the Maldives, but I prefer Thailand
for the fascinating culture, amazing flora and cheap sex.
C)"You can't beat me cousin's caravan in Garryvoe if you get the weather
for it.

Q9. Which of the following items do you collect obsessively?
A) Baseball cards.
B) Pictures of women's feet you secretly take on the DART every morning
with your state of the art mobile phone.
C) Henry's tapes.

Q10 (bonus point question) Would you..?
A) "Hell, why not!"
B) "It really depends on the earning potential."
C) "I would yeah!"

Mostly A's:
You are American. We don't hold this against you as such, but your overly
positive attitude may not fit into our cheefully misanthropic utopia. Do
not despair however, as an intensive course of standing in the pissing rain
watching junior hurling, followed by lock-ins at the city's darkest,
smokiest hostelries, should soon knock the can-do out of you!

Mostly B's
h dear, you're a problem case aren't you? I'm afraid there's no place for
your sort around here. Better off to stay in The Pale where you are now
(although we suspect you're not actua

DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal,where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?”. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.