After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: Thats what theyre there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect youre right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Makes me laugh no matter how many times i read this

Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
Affirmative - Aye atsrite
Break – Hodoan
Correction – Awshit
How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
I say again - Wanmertime pal
Negative - Noway pal
Over – Overinnat
Out – Ahmoaf
Pass your message – Geezrapatter
Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
Roger - Okay pal
Say again - Geezrapatter again
Speak slower – Geezitininglish
Stand by – Hodoanahmbizzy
That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
Verify – Yerjokin
Wilco – Naeborra
Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
Cleared to land – Getoan ragrunn
Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
Cleared take off – Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal

WOULD YOU......
KISS ME?
HUG ME?
FUCK ME?
LET ME SLEEP IN YOU`RE BED ?

CAN I ......
KISS YOU?
TICKLE YOU?
MARRY YOU?
SLEEP WITH YOU?

AM I.....
LOVEABLE?
FUCKABLE?
NASTY?
KIND?
A GOOD FRIEND?
BF MATERIAL?
STUNNIN??
UGLY?

HAVE U ......
KISSED ME?
SAW ME?
HANGED WITH ME?
HAD A DREAM ABOUT ME?
GOT MY NUMBER?
FUKED ME?

ARE YOU .....
GONNA ASK ME OUT?
ASK FOR MY NUMBER?
ARE YOU GONNA PUT THIS ON YOU`RE BEBO?