Todays been a quiet day nothing really serious has happened. Well except that there was this huge fight at home. The girlfriend woke up in a really foul mood and gave me shit from the start of it. She said she had enough of my shit as was leaving me for Darrel. Scary thing is Darrel is my Rotweiler (actually hes an Alsation-German shepard but i cant spell Alsation)

The drain was clogged up and when I went to have a look to see what the issue was it backwashed onto me. That wouldnt have been so bad if it hadnt been that the shower was still broken from yesterday. I dried myself off as best i could and walked out of the house smelling like "Drain mint" and aquavalva.

I headed down to my truck or should i say headed down to where my truck should have been. Now 4 blocks of wood stood in its place. Seems like they needed the blocks to get into the truck so Im pretty sure they were kids. Things were not looking up when the metermaid stopped at the gap where my car used to be. She was about 4'3 and could have weighed about 350 pounds. The buttons on her uniform fighting a desperate losing battle to contain all that womanly beauty.
She asked me if my car had been parked there.

I said "Yes it was but its been stolen!!".

She then hands me a ticket for illegal parking and says "Dont you be raising your voice and sassing me little man!! I will slap you soo hard your children will be born with ringing ears"

I said "But my car been stolen!!. They only left the blocks there!! "pointing them out to her. The silly cow then proceeds to give me another fine for littering.

I tried to explain to her that the blocks were left by the thieves. She then says that Im causing unnecessary confusion and wasting of precious police time.

I pretty much lost the plot at this time and called her a few choice words. At which time as if by magic she produces a shock stick and gives me one in the nads. In her defence i would say she tried to aim as high as she could.

Now for someone whos not being shocked by one of those i suggest you try it. Hello if i had to go through it so should you. Lets see your eyebrows singe, your family jewels take a vacation uptown and you pretty much lose all dignity along with any bodily control

After what seems like 5 minutes. Times pretty irrelivant during such an episode. I come too and shes standing over me with the stick saying "I dare you to say that again!!!".

Some people are just way too stupid for the own good. I can blame the medication I was on or the fact that i was terrified. Reality was i was plain stupid cos like and idiot i repeated myself.

A few hours later (again irrelivance of time) someone throws a bucket of water over me to wake me up. Unfortunately it seems it was water that someone had been cleaning fish with. The meter maid is still shaking with rage. She says "You better be on your way little man afore ahh reaaally get mad!!

I get unsteadily to my feet and hobble to the nearest bustop to get to work. As i get to the busstop the bus is just loading the last passenger. As i get to the door. The door starts closing. I push my hand into the door to stop it from closing. A piece of advice. If you want to stop a bus shout, scream bang the door whatever u do dont put you hand in the door. It clamped my wrist my professional wrester and pretty much dragged me kicking and screaming like a girl down the road.

MY feet working soo hard that by 2 blocks down when the bus stopped at its next predefined stop my shoes felt like they were on fire. This may have something to do with the smoke billowing from them. I trust my feet into the first liquid i saw. It didnt help that it was a homeless persons body waste but this was par for the day it would seem.

Finally i get to work 2 hours later looking and smelling like the aforementioned homeless person. A i walk through the door the recetionist gags and throws up into the wastepaper basket. 2 guys from accounting grab

Came as much of a suprise to be here as it is for you to be reading this. If you reading this it means something has happened to me

This is my story.

Now thinking back to last night. I knew there was going to be a really hectic night ahead when i had my second sip of beer last night. The beer tasted of mothers milk and nectar i hear you thinking . Im really winging it here as im not sure what either tastes like, but it tasted really cool and bitter. The rest of the night blurs into one foul tasting beer into even more foul tasting beer. Man i hate that stuff.

On the point of beer I still dont get the love of beer. It tastes like camel pee. Now i dont know what that tastes like unless it was camel pee we were drinking last night. but i do know that my mouth tastes foul and dry. I dont understand how we could still be thirsty after all that drink they drank.I know it was them because i couldnt possibly have drank that much too.

I woke up this morning with the mother of hangovers. I knew it was going to be a really bad morning when i saw the vulture on the window sill grinning down at me like i was the last supper. Good heavens i moved my head and the world swam before my eyes. Tears ran down my face and it felt like an ass kicked me in the head. This is Probably the same ass that took me drinking last night. I flipped the finger to the bird and struggled out of bed sweating and shaking.

The heat of the midmorning sun baking on my head didnt help either. The shaking’s probably the waterbed i said to myself way to loudly. Strange thing though the floor seemed to have changed to the same substance as the bed i thought as I went lurching unstably accross the floor to the bathroom for a well deserved bowl of water. I head back to the shower on the other end of the room.

After what seemed like 2 hours and 2 stops back to the bowl to drink more water and a wee in what really could vaguely be called a basin. I am sure it couldnt have been the basin because the alternative thought is that i just drank from the ...
<...shudders>
> nevermind where was I.

I get into the shower and the sweet loving embrase of soft water is pounding my head like a hammer on an anvil. Alarm bells trigger in my head, like shots from a cannon far off in the distance. There is also this lovely smell of roasting meat coming from the kitchen. The cannon shot of pain hits me at about the same time the realization does, that I live alone and the roast smells are actually me roasting in the boiling hot water.

I jump out of the water my body screaming that i take immediate revenge and use a hammer on the faucets. The only thing stopping me at this point is that the noise of the hammering would probably kill me. There is a deafening wailing like a thousand banshees being flayed sounding in my ears which i realised was me as i race to get out of the scalding shower.

In my haste to dive out of the shower i forget to realise that i hadn’t open the shower door. Surfice to say. 10kgs shower of Glass/plasic was never meant to withstand a stampeding roasted hippo and shattered into a kagillion pieces.

A little bit of scientific information for you to ponder for a second. Did you know that a stampeding roasted hippo weighing in excess of 350kgs can swandive with 1 1/2 twist, touch the floor with only 1 baby finger and flickflack sideways out a 2 foot doorway without touching the ground again. I saw that in the mirror as i flew out the doorway.

I ran to the fridge and grabbed the first wet thing i could lay may toasty hands on. I have to admit even now that the tomato sauce was a pretty decent touch and soothed most of the burns rather well. I should say that It unfortunately didnt really help the paramedics sensative stomachs when they arrived. I dont get why they would have eaten bacon and eggs with what looked like tomato sauce that early in the morning really.

I will survive they tell me but i still have this incredible urge for roa