My latest obsession: Reeves and Mortimer


Two really pompous kebabs, having a go at us around the back, saying, “If you don’t wear this cheese triangle on your wrist, we’ll come and bang our tambourines until we ruin the whole show’. Whaddya do? Whaddya do? You have to comply…


I don't know about you, but at about this time of night, I like to place a small orange thing on the back of a heron.


Later On In The Show We've Got… : A family of trained puffins driving a traction engine over a really smart dish of fresh olives and reversing back through the smallest keyhole in Britain.


Like a badger with an afro, throwing sparklers at the pope..


Welcome back my little whelk... Hold on, this isn't my whelk - this whelk is Dutch!!


Bob: "Hey Vic, I've just seen Barry White chatting up a bit of piping!"
Vic: "Was it this copper one?"
Bob: "Yeah."
(Vic breaks down)
Vic (to pipe): "How could you, after all these years?!"


I was painting the underside of a fox the other day, but I had to use a roller on the end of a long pole, 'cos it was quite a high fox (gestures use of pole) and I had the bright idea of opening a window to let some air in. So if you want a bright idea, try painting the underside of a fox - but make sure it's quite a high fox (gestures again). Or if you can't find a fox then try a wolf, but PLEASE... do make sure it's quite high wolf (gestures again).


Bob: "This little lad, did he have wings like this?"
Vic (sheepishly): "Yes..."
Bob: "And did he have webbed feet, and what can only be described as a beak?"
Vic: "YES!"
Bob: "It wasn't a little boy at all, was it?"
Vic (angrily): "NO, IT WAS A PENGUIN, ALRIGHT?!"


"I'm staying in tonight to polish my sunglasses." - Vic singing to himself in a BBC documentary

You stroke a dog, the dog goes, “Oooooooo…” and cats go *purring/drilling sound*, because they’re drilling, aren’t they?
That’s what they’re doing.
They’re drilling, they drill for gold!
They drill for oil, they drill for anything!
Just for the love of drilling!
When they’re behind your sofa, they’re just drilling.
*mimes drilling*
They’ve got goggles on, it’s okay!
There’s a compressor over there...
Your friends come and say, “I think your cat’s drilling behind your sofa!”
“I don’t think so, that’s purring, that noise, isn’t it? Cat, are you drilling?”
And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles,
*mimes coming from behind the sofa*,
“No, no… Drilling? No! No, I’m a cat! How would I know how to drill? That’s purring you’re thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here… no drilling. No, no, okay… “
*mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling*
Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it!

[Eddie Izzard]

"EYE'M a little teapot, short and stout.. KNOCK me up and fuck a trout...."

"He's a hairy, hairy substitute!"

"...and as soon as I saw that fish, I put two and two together, and called my mam.."

"Did I tell you that my friend Mildred has a hat like a jam doughnut?" [mopatop's shop = <3]

*Frankie Boyle, talking about Sarah Jessica Parker* "She's either a really ugly woman, or a really beautiful seahorse!"

''..uh.. um.. *panics* MY KNEES ARE MADE OUT OF HELIUM"

*rowing/bikeriding motion*

"Well, y'know what they say about John, anyway... Well, y'know, apparently, he's uh, *leg*"

" And I got done for, that turned into assaulting a police officer! Surely it was stretching a pedestrian.."

"You are. The Human. Probe..."


''I just had to say to my sisters, 'no you can't help me, you're naked!' :S''

''I had a dream about either a giant hamster or some sort of small dog crossed with a monkey.. I was going to people's houses asking for cheesecake, and a woman gave me that..''

''Yay for pretentious biscuit limbs!''

''Lol, what came into my head this morning was 'huh- just because YOU'VE got all your limbs..''

'' *while trying to figure out why a couple weren't speaking* or MAYBE, he's one of those people, that were on tv last night.. And they keep monkeys for pets, and treat them like babies? *long pause* maybe he has a monkey...''

''And I was like this *does pouring out juice action* and then a caterpillar was like this *does poofy hand action* ''

''Iona and Enya just made up a song and performed it to all of us... The lyrics were 'i believe in petticoats, i don't believe in you' it. was. amazing.'' [apparently it was also to the tune of Good King Wenceslas ]

*is rolling around in tent-mat* ''I'm FAIRLY straight!''

''Ach, Zoe's got a memory like a hen..''

''Yes. We'll strip the dog and hoover the kitchen''

''Och, ye'll joost have tae SWIVEL''

*northlink* ''Ooh, a bit rough in here Angus, eh?''

''Yeah, two faces!! A back face, and a frontal-face!''

''Well, you know when you have a baby, and Sneaky Steven is your sister's maid..''

''Oi, fuck off, get your own fucking lesbian!''

Me: *holds up a kids book about a polar bear*
Lizzy: Ugh, don't even MENTION my mother....

''If du wisna faffin aroond lik a fairy, du cuda hid da sheep caa'd in aaready!''

''LOL that guy's name is 'Manley' ''
''Imagine if he married Dr Beardface.. Manley Beardface ''
''And if he shaved it off...''
''MANLEY FACE''

*conversation about a patchy beard*
''Here a beard, there a beard, everywhere a beard beard.. Old Macdonald had a beard.. EEEIIEEIIOO..''

''........*angrily* That's not a ladybird, that's a cyborg!!''

''D'ya think Louis Walsh is gay?''
''Naw, he's just a little bit irish...''
- Lizzy

''Yeah, she'll punch you down..'' - Lizzy [ ]

''..What?! ..You want to hunt him down and put his trousers on!?'' - ..Lizzy or Sarah?

*picks up weird-looking spanner thing* ''Oooh, I like the look of THIS'' *grins* - Lizzy

''My rabbit thinks it's a dinosaur. It stood up on it's back legs and said RRAAWGH. And then it sat back down again. And sneezed.'' - Lizzy

''Yeah but if PEOPLE do that, they're not called pedigree, they're called freaks!'' - Lizzy

''I put a sock on my cat's tail last night. It was confused. Then it wiggled it, and it fell off.'' - Lizzy

''Last night, I sat for ages seeing how many cushions I could get on my cat's back before it got angry'' - Lizzy


''You know what!? A woman came up to me today and asked if I was having a baby! I KNEW I shouldn't have eaten that second packet of Monster Munch....'' - Sophie

*long talk about fate, destiny etc*
''Yeah, I know what you mean, about destiny.. This one time, I went shopping, and.. *wanders off* - Sophie

Claire: "I'm gonna go pee.."
Shelby: "Fine! Leave! Go forth and empty yourself!"

___________________

''I have an itchy nose.. I really want to scratch it.. If