THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6.00 Alarm.
6.15 Blow job.
6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7.30 Limo arrives.
7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12.15 Blow job.
12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
2.30 Fly to Cairns.
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over.. naturally).
6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; The boys in green beating England three nil!
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).
11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
11.30 A night cap blow job.
11.45 In bed alone.
11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep

GAA handbook and handy phrases
>BOLLIX----Pat Spillane or any Meath players or supporters - not forgetting the Dubs!!

>MIGHTY---Very good

>HAMES---A right shite-e.g.-"He made a hames of that chance"

>TIMBER---Intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g.- "Show him some timber"

>LAMP----A good thump---e.g.-"I swung for the sliotar, missed by 3 feet
and lamped the full back"

>ACROWD!---A gathering of people who watch a match and hope for random
>acts of violence -e.g-Meath and Dublin supporters

>SCHKELP---To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures
e.g.-"That shite from Tipp took a schkelp outta me leg"

>HATCHET MAN---Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts

>BULLIN'---Angry-e.g-"The centre half was bullin' after I lamped him"


>BULL THICK---Very angry-e.g.-"The centre half was bull thick after
I lamped him again"

>JOULT---A push-e.g.-"I gave him ! a joult and he has to wear a neck
brace for 2 weeks"

>THE COMM-A-TEEE---Local GAA bullshitters in general

>BUSHTED---An undefined soreness-e.g.-"Jayz me arm is bushted"

>THE BOMBER---Popular name for a fat hairy GAA player

>A HANG SANGWIDGE---Consumed with "tay" on the sides of roads
after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound
of butter

>RAKE-A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness
the night before an important match
>INDANAMAJAYSUS (in-da-nama-Jaysus)--! -What was that for referee?

>YA BOLLIX YA---Corner back's formal recognition of a score
by his opponent

LEH-IT-IN-TA-FUCK-WUD-YA---Full forwards appeal to a
Midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

>MULLOCKER---Untidy or awkward player released for matches

>BURST THE BOLLIX---Instructions from the sideline to tackle
your man

>MILLEE---Disagreement involving four or more players

>MASSIVE MILLEE---Disagreement involving both teams,
including goalies,!substitutes and supporters jumping fences

>RUNNING MILLEE---A massive row that continues out in the
parking area or dressing room areas, usually resolved by
the Gardai



>BOLLIX----Pat Spillane or any Meath players or supporters - not forgetting the Dubs!!

>MIGHTY---Very good

>HAMES---A right shite-e.g.-"He made a hames of that chance"

>TIMBER---Intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g.- "Show him some timber"

>LAMP----A good thump---e.g.-"I swung for the sliotar, missed by 3 feet
and lamped the full back"

>ACROWD!---A gathering of people who watch a match and hope for random
>acts of violence -e.g-Meath and Dublin supporters

>SCHKELP---To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures
e.g.-"That shite from Tipp took a schkelp outta me leg"

>HATCHET MAN---Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts

>BULLIN'---Angry-e.g-"The centre half was bullin' after I lamped him"


>BULL THICK---Very angry-e.g.-"The centre half was bull thick after
I lamped him again"

>JOULT---A push-e.g.-"I gave him ! a joult and he has to wear a neck
brace for 2 weeks"

>THE COMM-A-TEEE---Local GAA bullshitters in general

>BUSHTED---An undefined soreness-e.g.-"Jayz me arm is bushted"

>THE BOMBER---Popular name for a fat hairy GAA player

>A HANG SANGWIDGE---Consumed with "tay" on the sides of roads
after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound
of butter

>RAKE-A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness
the night before an important match
>INDANAMAJAYSUS (in-da-nama-Jaysus)--! -What was that for referee?

>YA BOLLIX YA---Corner back's formal recognition of a score
by his opponent

LEH-IT-IN-TA-FUCK-WUD-YA---Full forwards appeal to a
Midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

>MULLOCKER---Untidy or awkward player released for matches

>BURST THE BOLLIX---Instructions from the sideline to tackle
your man

>MILLEE---Disagreement involving four or more players

>MASSIVE MILLEE---Disagreement involving both teams,
including goalies,!substitutes and supp

I'm as sick as a small hospital
I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child
She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se
Your' re as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit
My mouth's as dry as a nun' s cr@ck
He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
He's so camp, he shites tent pegs
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled sh1te (hung-over)
(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the Dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
Up and down like a whore's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
I left her with a face like a painter' s radio
A Mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard!!
Jays us, she could breastfeed a crè che
As fit as a butcher's dog
She ' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn' t 't kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jays us, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab
If I'd a garden full of Mickey' s I wouldn't let her look over the wall