Glasgow to host the Commonwealth Games

So it was Glasgow versus Abuja. A city of poverty, destitute and religion provoked civil war. And Abuja's no better.

I'm surprised they accepted the changes that Scotland wanted to make to the games. Should definitely give us a better chance at winning...

Replacing hurdles with garden hedges and making athletes carry a video recorder under one arm

replacing trampolines with car roofs

100m sprint enhanced with the chase from a police dog

replacing martial arts with the 'are you looking at my bird - malky' contest

cycling races start with the new complsory unchaining the security lock from a fence

hammers in the hammer throwing replaced with the traditional joiner's claw hammer

no change to shooting, that one's in the bag

At least the athletes will look the part and easily fit in with Glasgow's shell suit culture. In fact when the visiting athletes arrive, they'll be shocked to see that EVERYONE in Glasgow is an athlete.

And did you see all those people on TV celebrating at the announcement? That was the drug dealers. With all the doping going on in sport at the moment, they're looking forward to a huge increase in business!

Seriously though, well done Glasgow, awesome achievement.

Hello.

How you all doing? You must feel pretty ripped off. You paid to see a talent show. Hoping to see the most talented people at Heriot-Watt and you got me, on stage, talking shit. They asked me to be in the talent show by saying to me ‘hey, you’re pretty good at talking shit, gonna do it in the talent show?’ I’m not sure if that was meant as a compliment or an insult. Either way, you’re stuck with me.

Did you like my theme tune? That was the first ever tune I downloaded on the internet. Everywhere on the site, plastered all over it were these huge warnings ‘WARNING – Piracy is a crime. Downloading music illegally may result in criminal prosecution resulting in a huge fine’. I thought to myself – exactly HOW huge is a huge fine? I don’t have all that much money anyway so there’s not much there for them to take. Surely one financial hit is worth it? Well, come on, if you plead guilty and are convicted – for the rest of days you will officially be, A PIRATE!

How cool is that? I’d turn up at court wearing an eye patch with a parrot on my shoulder. I’d walk into any police station I pass just to go up to the reception desk and ask them to show me my criminal record, just so I can have a good laugh every time the search returns pirate. Imagine filling out application forms – Occupation: PIRATE. Describe yourself in one sentence: Most fearsome man on the seven seas!

The downside would be that it would make your choice of transport more limited. Boats would be out, but who needs boats anyway. You can still fly as a pirate, unless you’re a terrorist or Snoop Dog you’re allowed on a plane.

Well, as long as you pass the safety exam they give you first. How many bloody questions are there now? They’re like a 7 year old with all those bloody questions. Half expected them, after every answer I give to start going why… why… why… like the other comic mentioned. How many questions do they need – surely one would do. Are you a terrorist? NO! – ok then, on you go!

But there’s bloody tonnes of questions. Did you pack your own bags? No, funny story here right. I was sitting at home last night, minding my own business, about to pack my bags when the doorbell rang. Some sinister looking man with an evil glint in his eye was there. At first I was a little worried but then I realised he must have been a harmless electronics sales man. He was carrying a nice shiny backpack with loads of curly wires hanging out of it, clearly from telephones. It was also ticking, clearly from clocks! Nothing suspicious at all. He was a really nice man who told me he loved packing so much that he would do my packing for me. Well, nobody likes packing after all so I let him. And as a reward for letting him pack for me, he rewarded me with a goody bag of his nice electronic goods which he packed in the case and I had to promise, not to open it until I get off the plane. OF COURSE I PACKED MY OWN BLOODY BAG!

Could anyone have interfered with your luggage? ‘Interfered?’ What do you mean interfered? Are there some sort of perverted suitcase fetishists out there sleazing over my luggage? Cor, look at the wheels on that. It’s got a nice strap, on…

Do you have any food products in your bag? Ok, so Al Quaeda’s latest wave of terrorist action is to go on board planes and start a full blown food fight war. Wouldn’t be very effective, but would be very funny!

They then check your ID. The first time I ever went on a plane was a couple of months after September 11th on a flight to London. I didn’t have a passport and had lost my other ID card. The only photographic ID I had was my Heriot-Watt Matriculation card. The girl behind the desk said to me ‘Ok sir, I can accept this now but please be advised that because of September 11th, after February, we can no longer accept this. I replied ‘because of SEPTEMBER 11th you are tightening security in FEBRUARY. Good to see the Government’s quic

The Cra(Zy) - How To Kill Your Wife
(to the tune of The Fray - How To Save a Life)

Step one you say you’ve had enough,
You know its time that your wife bit the dust,
For too long now she’s nagged at you,
You now know what you’ve got to do,
Some sort of massacre at night,
Her legs fly left her head goes right,
Putting it off would be a shame,
Now you have to decide who to blame.

Explode her with a bomb, or shoot her head,
Grab her by the throat and Snap her neck or I,
Could stab her with a big sharp knife,
Coz I know how to kill my wife.

Let her know that you know best,
Pierce a dagger through her chest,
For once she’ll know that you are right,
When you poison her Angel Delight,
You have a list of why she’s wrong,
Put killer bees into her thong,
Or pray to god he helps you,
A lightning bolt would help you.

Explode her with a bomb, or shoot her head,
Grab her by the throat and Snap her neck or I,
Could stab her with a big sharp knife,
Coz I know how to kill my wife.

A killer sandwich blows off her head,
It’s just a firework and two bits of bread,
Drive on and plough her off the road,
Reverse back over till she’s cold,
Now get it right don’t get it wrong,
A deformed wife would just be wrong,
If she still breathes she’s still your wife,
Maybe it’s time to bury her alive.

Explode her with a bomb, or shoot her head,
Grab her by the throat and Snap her neck or I,
Could stab her with a big sharp knife,
Coz I know how to kill my wife.

Explode her with a bomb, or shoot her head,
Grab her by the throat and Snap her neck or I,
Could stab her with a big sharp knife,
Coz I know how to kill my wife.

How to Kill My Wife.

How to Kill My Wife.

Explode her with a bomb, or shoot her head,
Grab her by the throat and Snap her neck or I,
Could stab her with a big sharp knife,
Coz I know how to kill my wife.

Explode her with a bomb, or shoot her head,
Grab her by the throat and Snap her neck or I,
Could stab her with a big sharp knife,
Coz I know how to kill my wife.

How to Kill My Wife.

How to Kill My Wife.