Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
yours. As a friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering
about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the
night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I
eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese, onion
and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few
sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips?) I'm an eclectic
eater, but I
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get
the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous
evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions
are taken (water,vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &
would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for
an answer no
later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S.
>>>>> >
>>>>> >THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>>>>> >1. Innovative
>>>>> >2. Preliminary
>>>>> >3. Proliferation
>>>>> >4. Cinnamon
>>>>> >
>>>>> >THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>>>>> >1. Specificity
>>>>> >2. British Constitution
>>>>> >3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>>>>> >
>>>>> >THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>>>>> >1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>>>>> >2. Nope, no more beer for me.
>>>>> >3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>>>>> >4. Good
>>>>> >evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>>>>> >5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay