tesco letter
Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,




Charles Brown
Store Manager



one by one my penguins will steal your sanity

1. Slept naked? nah lol
2. Taken a shower with someone? nope
3. Kissed a member of the same sex? no
4. Drove a car? yeah
5. Stole anything? yip
6. Been in love? no but felt lyk it lol
7. Been dumped? kinda
9. Got in a car with people you just met? Yes
10. Been in a fist fight? sort off
11. Snuck out of someone’s house? lol yeah
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yeah it sucks
13. Been arrested? no dunno how though
14. Hugged a stranger? happens all the tym
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? yeah
16. Left your house with out telling your parents? they jus dont care
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? Nope
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? 2ryt
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the opposite sex? yerp
20. Lost a friend? yeh no! couldn`t handle it if i did!
21. Been on a plane? nah
22. Been to an island? yeah
23. Slept in until 3? o aye
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? cnt think
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yeah
26. Made a snow angel? all the time, usually drunk
27. Played dress up? dnt ask!
28. Cheated while playing a game? yes
29. Been lonely? ye
30. Kissed more than 4 people in one night? aint a slag but i know some1 who does most nights...reggie boy!
32. Felt an earthquake? Nope
33. Touched a snake? yes
34. Ran a red light? nope
35. Been suspended from school? nah surprisingly
36. Had detention?
37. Been in a car accident?! nah
38. Had a party in your house while ur parents were away? yeah, it aint happening again!
39. Used a fake id? had 1 but never used it
40. Crawled through a window? yip
41. Been lost? carry a map nd a compass in my bk pocket
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? Yip
44. Cried yourself to sleep? felt like it a few times hahaha
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? all the time!
48. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? aye
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? ye
50. Kissed in the rain? uhhhhu
51. Sang in the shower? drunkness thats all im gonna say
52. Made love in a park? nope
53. Had a dream that you married someone? nah lol
54. Glued your hand to something? ye
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? haha im not that special
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? nah
57. Been a cheerleader? hahahahaha
58. Had more than ten boy/girl friends? nope
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? no
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? no but cnt watch a film for more than 5 mins without getting bored
61. Played chicken? yip
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? almost
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? ive had plenty drunken strangers telling me random things
64. Broken a bone? nope, not yet anyway, its gonna happen someday
65. Been easily amused? yeah
66. Laugh so hard you cry? all 2 often
67. Mooned/flashed someone? nope
68. Cheated on a test? ?? ye
69. Forgotten someone's name? yeah
71. Done something dumb while drunk? drunk or not i do it always
73. Blacked out from drinking? once or twice...it aint nice
74. Played a prank on someone?ye
75. Gone to a late night movie? yeah
76. Made love to anything not human? name doesnt start in chris or end in hearn so NO!!!!
77. Failed a class? only 1
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? hahahahaha
79. Smoked pot? yeh
80. Favourite tv show? lost and family guy!
81. Celebrate the 4th of July? involves drinking? then possibly
82. Thrown strange objects? indeedio
83. Felt like killing someone? all the time
84. Thought about running away? ye
86. Got a piercing? when i was younger
87. Cut your own hair? tried it once
89. Made a parent cry? dunno
90. Cried over someone? felt bad oer some1
91. Kept somebody else's clothes you borrowed? lol
92. Dated someone more than once? not really...
93. Had/Have a dog? yip
94. Have an iPod? nah
95. Smoked a cigarette? yip
96. Been in a band? dnt even go there
9

1. Whats your Name?
2. Are we close?
3. What do you think of me?
4. Do you hav a crush on me?
5. Would u kiss me?
6. would u fuk me?
7. Describe me in 3 words?
8. If u Had Me for 30 Mins wat would you do?
9. What was ur first impression of me?
10. Do u still think the same?
11.. What reminds u of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do u know me?
14. What do u like best about me?
15. Ever wanted 2 tell me something u could'nt?
16. Could you ever love me?
17.R u gona put this on ur blog and c wat i say bout u?
18.Anything 2 say b4 u go?