Your're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nun's crack

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled shite (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

I left her with a face like a painters radio

She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a
nettle.

She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over
the wall

Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her fanny

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

gAA
HOLLY -- e.g. "I gave it holly"---I put a fair bit of effort into it.

B0LLIX----Pat Spillane or any kerry players or supporters

MIGHTY---Very good

HAMES---A right ****e-e.g.-"He made a hames of that chance"

TIMBER---Intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g.- "Show him some timber"

LAMP----A good thump---e.g.-"I swung for the sliotar, missed by 3 feet and lamped the full back"

A CROWD---A gathering of people who watch a match and hope for random acts
of violence -e.g-Meath supporters

SCHKELP---To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures -- e.g. "That whore from Tipp took a schkelp outta me leg"

HATCHET MAN---Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts

BULLIN'---Angry-e.g-"The centre half was bullin' after I lamped him"

BULL THICK---Very angry-e.g.-"The centre half was bull thick after I lamped him again"

JOULT---A push-e.g.-"I gave him ! a joult and he has to wear a neck brace for 2 weeks"

THE COMM-A-TEEE---Local GAA bullshitters in general

BUSHTED---An undefined soreness-e.g.-"Jayz me arm is bushted"

THE BOMBER---Popular name for a fat hairy GAA player

A HANG SANGWIDGE---Consumed with "tay" on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound of butter

RAKE-A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness the night before an important match

INDANAMAJAYSUS (in-da-nama-Jaysus)--! -What was that for referee?

YA B0LLIX YA---Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent

LEH-IT-IN-TA-FcuK-WUD-YA---Full forwards appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

MULLOCKER---Untidy or awkward player released for matches

BURST THE B0LLIX---Instructions from the sideline to tackle your man

ROW---Disagreement involving four or more players

MASSIVE ROW---Disagreement involving both teams, including goalies, substitutes and supporters jumping fences

ALL-HELL-BROKE-LOOSE---A massive row that continues out in the parking area or
dressing room areas, usually resolved by the Gardai