Chuck Norris
For those of you who still get enjoyment out of Chuck Norris...

The myth of Santa Claus was based around the early exploits of Chuck
Norris.
He traveled the world delivering roundhouse kicks to all children of the
world while they were asleep in their beds. The part about being bad or
good
was added so children could sleep at night, Chuck Norris could care less
about that.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst
mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris once stared a man to death.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris
allows
to live.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with
Chuck
Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing
the Earth down.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his
own.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around
awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick
the
doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not
had
to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the
1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of
Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card
from
the game UNO.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot
on
its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely
mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck
Norris is
watching.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick
Norris".
He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck
accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph.
Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy
knew
exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half.
The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a
brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to
impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck
Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time