I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."bill hicks

JOHN LENNON/BARRY MANILOW
Bill Hicks:We live in a world where John Lennon is murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to make albums...if you're gonna kill someone, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.

Denis Leary: We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets to the chest, Yoko Ono is standing right next to him, not one *fucking bullet....bring me the head of Barry Manilow, I want to drink beer out of his empty head, I wanna have a Barry Manilow skull-keg party at my apartment.

JUDAS PRIEST/THE UNIMPORTANCE OF THEIR FANS

Bill Hicks: You know the story about the two kids that were big fans of this group Judas Priest, and they committed suicide, and the parents of the kids sued the band? First of all, two kids, big fans of Judas Priest, commit suicide. Wow. Two less gas-station attendants in the world. What, I don't mean to sound cruel here, but I don't think we lost a cancer cure. They weren't that important. "Bill, you sound so cruel," *fuck them, they were idiots, get it?

Denis Leary: Judas Priest on trial because kids commit suicide, what is that about?...Heavy metal fans are buying heavy metal albums, listening to the albums, then blowing their heads off with shotguns. Where's the problem? That's an unemployment sollution right there folks, it's called natural selection...I say we put more messages on the albums, kill the band, then your parents, then yourself.

JIM FIX/SMOKING

Bill Hicks: Remember Jim Fix, that health-nut who died while jogging? Used to write BOOKS about jogging...what do you jot down about jogging? "Left foot, right foot, hemorage." fuck Jim...we're gonna need a happier ending, buddy. Heart-attack while jogging, that's heavy *shit I'm glad I stayed inside instead of jogging. I was too busy smoking.

Denis Leary: Remember Jim Fix, the big famous jogging guy? Did a jogging book, did a jogging video, and dropped dead of a massive heart attack WHEN? When he was *fucking jogging, that's when...it's always the yogurt, sprout-eating *fuck get run over by a bus driven by a guy who smokes three and a half packs a day. "Sorry officer I didn't see him, I was too busy smoking."

LOTS OF MARLBOROS

Bill Hicks: I'm a heavy smoker, I go through about two lighters a day. I lost track of the packs, all that math.

Denis Leary: I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day...

SHAMELESS THIEVERY

Bill Hicks: (on nonsmokers) Bunch of whining *fuckin maggots.

Denis Leary: (on depressed celebs) Whining *fuckin maggots.

ANNOYING NON-SMOKERS

Bill Hicks: Nonsmokers say the stupidest things. "What about second-hand smoke? It's not just the smoke that you smoke, but the smoke that comes out of you, that's called secondary-smoke. That's not good smoke just cause it came out of you." Shut the *fuck up, right now. Dammit, if I dont smoke, there's gonna be secondary BULLETS coming your way.

Denis Leary: ...you got all these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or a pamphlet somewhere, and you store that little nugget in your little *fuckin head, and you see us light up and you spew 'em out at us, dont you? (Delivered exactly like Hicks portrayed a nonsmoker): "Well you know, smokin...takes ten years off your life!"

LEARY LIKES THE BOAT LINE

Bill Hicks: MC Hammer, there was another boat that left me on the island. "You wanna get on the Hammer boat with us?" No thanks, I'd rather stay here and eat my own flesh. You could sit and explain it to me from now until the end of time, and I'll go, *shit* don't get it, man."

Denis Leary: ...explain it to me, I missed the *fuckin* point some place, the boat left and I wasn't on the boat.
AND THE CAPTAIN LINE
Bill Hicks:Everybody, this is your captain speaking. I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, we're going

These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually
said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters
who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually
taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________
 ____
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________
 ___
: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?
__________________________________
 ___
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________
 __
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to
you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________________________________
 ____
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________
 _____
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________
 _
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old
is he?
__________________________________
 ___
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________
 ____
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________________________________
 ____
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________
 ____
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________
 ____
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________________________________
 ____
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
 ____
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________
 ____
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________________________________
 ____
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________
 ____
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________
 ____
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere.

one.
If you're ugly,
stop acting like you don't know it.
The captions under you picture that says
"top model pose"
"sexy bitch"
"arnt i hot"
doesn't convince anyone.


two.
To the people who have like 25,000 friends,
are you serious?
Nobody in this universe can keep up with that many friends.
You're stupid.
Go play in traffic.


three.
Don't ever post pictures and say
"OMG, I'm so ugly"
"OMG,I'm so fat"
because if you were,
you wouldn't post them.


four.
Nobody cares about threats over the internet.
Don't try to act hardcore with the keyboard.
Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics;
even if you win,
you're still retarded.


five.
Making 20 bulletins a day
about how you have new pictures
and begging people to comment on them is pathetic.
Make the bulletin once if you have to,
and those who actually care about you
will comment on your pics.


six.
If all your pictures look the same,
don't post them all.
Please put some variety in your pics.
Nobody wants to see your face
8 different ways.


seven.
Who really cares if
I don't accept you as a friend?
MOVE ON!!!
Don't send me another request or message asking
"what's up with you not adding me?"
I don't want you as a friend;
that's what's up!


eight.
Little secoundary school students who have bebos
and look like sluts,
go somewhere else
because nobody wants you here.!!!


nine.
If you have decided to read this,
you are a true bebo Friend.
Real friends read their bulletins.


ten.
I say you go and pass this on
and maybe it will finally get through people's brains
(if they have them).


eleven.
And if you open a msg and it says something like
"repost this in 100 seconds or a ghost will rape your dog tonight,"
IT'S NOT REAL!
QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO LIFE WHATSOEVER MAKE THAT SHIT UP THINKING THAT PEOPLE WILL FALL FOR THEIR STUPID TRAP!!! AND YOU DO!!!!