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> Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
> Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
> Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat
> Man: Is this seat empty?
> Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
> Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck on my c&^% just yet
> Man: Your place or mine?
> Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
> Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my
> car, I don't give a shit where you go.
> Man: So, what do you do for a living?
> Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
> Man: That explains the moustache then!
> Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
> Woman: Unfertilized.
> Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.
> Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
> Woman: But would you stay there?
> Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is
> impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.
> Man: Would you like to dance?
> Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
> Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
> Man: Where have you been all my life?
> Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
> Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad
> Man: You're pretty
> Woman: Piss off.
> Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.
0 Comments 368 weeks
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally
killed and eaten by his mates.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
mate out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
However you can Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the
covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity Alco pop drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel...and it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain
offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of
yours, except if she's withholding Sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have Sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by
the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're
feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each
other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was,
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange
or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Play station II. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
0 Comments 372 weeks