1.Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

2.Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

3.Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

4.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5.Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

6.Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

7.Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

8.If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

9.Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

10.Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

11.Chuck Norris's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

12.Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

13.Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

14.Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

15.Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

16.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

17.Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.

18.Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

19. Chuck Norrisdoesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

20.Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

21.Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

22.Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

23.Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

24.Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

25.Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

26.Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

27.Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

28.A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

29.The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

30.Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. It's just a pity Chuck Norris Never Cries!

31.When Chuck Norris falls into water, he doesn't get wet! Water Gets Chuck Norrised