CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
-STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
-WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act as if you’re -embarrassed when they open themselves.
-GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
-MEOW occasionally.
-STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
-SAY -DING at each floor.
-SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
-MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
-STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
-WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
-TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
-DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
-WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
-PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
-ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
-HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
-DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
-BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
-PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
-SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
-CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it

Todd: [Todd is playing Pacman] Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots you naughty, naughty girl.

Todd: Why do women think I'm creepy?
Attractive nurse: Because you have to turn everything into a double entendre.
Todd: I do not.
[Attractive nurse leaves, Todd stares at Turk]
Turk: Go.
Todd: I'd like to double her entendre.

Todd: [to J.D., about Elliot] So, what are her breasts like?
Elliot: Todd, I'm right here.
Todd: Oh, sorry... So, what are your breast like?

Todd: I have to go, there's a breast reduction on the fourth floor... and I must stop it.

Todd: The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender.

Todd: So, once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game.

Carla: Who put my stapler on the floor?
[as she bends over to pick it up, Todd peeks from the corner]
Todd:Thong!
[Carla slaps him]
Todd: Face five. Oh, yeah!

Todd: Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident here he wants to make things clear so you don't have to wonder any more.
[points at each of the women]
Todd: Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and... yes, if I've been drinkin'.
Nurse Roberts: Come here, wonder bread.
Todd: What's up, doll?
Nurse Roberts: If you come this close again I will end you.
Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty.

Patient: I’m getting really sick of your sexual innuendo
Todd: [thinks for a second] In your endo!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off