25 Golden rules
How to keep ur girlfriend

1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a p

Darragh Dorgan aka the relic aka father time..This will be updated as his adventures continue

Please note dorgans age fluctuates more than Sephen twohigs weight(only messing) in this epic blog on our national treasure Darragh J. Dorgan

Dorgans Motto:Fuck off ya fat bastard........steve

Darragh is a 97 year virgin he is a former sailor and is currently training to be a pilot r pirate he was so drunk at the time we dont know.
His crowning achivement is operating a kayake under the influence of alcohol and wont hesitate to remind you of it.Darragh is also like most of the world a gingerist and wont stop from time to time to remind me that the race of gingers will be extint in 70yrs but by that time he will still be here aged 167 still informing the world of impportant facts like nightclubs only open at night and fahys going gray and of course saying his favorite catch phrase"Turn Around".
In recent months accusations of his invovment in the nazi party came to a head he was cleared of involvement with them now but was a member of the original party back in 1940,His excuse for leaving gingers are the issue not jews.
A Quote from this great man"My life ambition is to go to a "weight watchers meeting" nd eat a Mars Bar in da front row".
On September 27th 2007 a member of Dorgan airways flight 3 aka lufwaffe plane 666 hit a subject codename Mr Bean.Dorgan has taken all credit for the attacks claiming "well the first two missed so i had to hit the fucker with at least 1" & hit him he did right below the eye.These terroist actions are not typicall of dorgan normally he would settle for his patented retard slap to the head but the times are changing and you can no longer lay hands on people just for being a quote"fucking Gimp".
Darragh is however not without failings he has failed the driving theroy test twice hes excuse ladies & gentlemen "theres two many fucking wheels on it & wheres the wings & the prepeller".
Ahh yes dorgan what will he do next find out soon....
October 1st---Darragh is joiniing rugby on wednesday he will be wearing his usual rugby gear a scrum cap with the metal spike on top similar to his war gear from years ago.Another qoute from Dorgan"Im not always go go i enjoy a quiet weekend at home with the folks"
The Relic is now a working man he is working as of october 5th 2007 in centra in watergrasshill feel free to hassel him and the such he will most proberbly bite your ear off!!!Updating very soon just need to get all the info
It has been two months since i have last updated this blog with the war on the streets against gingers theres been a lack of time.
Since my last entry are hero dorgan has dropped to foundation level Irish the reasons are as follows
1-"Fountain thats the thing theres water in im doin dat"This is were dorgan miss interpreted what was being offered
2-The rocky relationship between young (yeah right) Dorgan & Furher Bean broke down finaly and darragh was removed from the class time & time again until he said "Fuck you you ron atkinson look alike" Dorgan proceeded to kick him in the testicles until he passed out & then he hoped in his b52 bomber & made the short trip from the anix to E3 for some foundation level irish
Now darragh has been slaving away in centra in watergrasshill (the shop who never called me back ASSHOLES) to raise money for an automobile.Cars have changed alot since dorgans birth(darragh being born 60 years before the invention of the first one).Most of his classmates are expecting dorgan to arrive to school some morning on a bicycle with an umbrella attached others say a plane with well god knows what attached.
Dorgan atteneded Centras annual christmas party which was a formal do at which dorgan had to waltz ect. results are still pending as we have not been able to get a hold of are unibrowed warrior since he is a heavy festive drinkerererer...................
In Dorgans flying career he has been lacking practice as recently he has had technichal difficu

1) C'mere = Excuse me
2) I will yeah! = no!
3) What's the story fella? = how are you?
4) hows the form? = hows it hanging?:
5) You would yeah! = You wouldn't dare!
6) Here la = here you are
7) There la = it's over there / look over there
State a him la = He looks bad
9) (Ah / Awe) now sham = that's good
10) I claim ya = I would really like to engage in a fight with you. 11) Pure = very
12) Two fucks = care
13) Couldn't give two fucks = I don't care
14) Like = this word is used at least once in every Cork sentence. E.g.
Ah know like you understand don't ya?
15) Like eh = Used as a hesitation at the start of a sentence.
16) Nawful (he's a nawful langer) = terrible
17) Bate = beat up, used with da fuck. E.g. I'll bate da fuck outa ya
1 Have a lash off = have a go
19) Lash into hash = Smoke cannabis
20) Be wide = be careful
21) Scetch = There's someone coming (be wide)
22) Be doggy wide = be extra careful
23) How bad bhoy = good
24) Bhoy (pronounced-by biya) = man / person. Not necessarily a Celt.
25) A trip in the white van = A trip in an ambulance