Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for
seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God
"Where were you?" God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and
proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. Look son, look what I'm
after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What
is it?" God replied It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it.
I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is
going to be rich and South America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot. Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and another one of blacks in the South."
Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?"
"Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special place.
That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers, streams and exquisit coastline. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the
world. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters And I'm going to give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad on, and for which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said, "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be balance..?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting
next door to them!!

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
centre

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating
electric fan set on medium.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Ballina at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from
Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student
on 50 cent-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
but a real duck that was actually lame.Maybe from stepping on a
landmine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can
tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no-one had
ever seen before.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Independent crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
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1. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

2. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into th

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows
and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows.
The Government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: (i love this one)
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows
None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows.
You claim government subsidies for eight cows