Inside...

Bottled up inside
Are the words I never said,
The feelings that I hide,
The lines you never read.

You can see it in my eyes,
Read it on my face:
Trapped inside are lies
Of the past i cant replace.

With memories that linger-
Won't seem to go away.
Why can't i be happier?
Today's a brand new day.

Yesterdays are over,
Even though the hurting's not.
Nothing lasts forever,
I must cherish what i've got.

Don't take my love for granted,
For soon it will be gone-
All you ever wanted
Of the love you thought you won.

The hurt i'm feeling now
Won't dissapear overnight,
But someway, somehow,
Everything will turn out all right,

No more wishing for the past.
It wasn't meant to be.
It didnt seem to last,
So i have to set him free.

Hey yall.. I seem to write once a week now… I don’t really know why but I do know im very busy the last few days.
In this last week I was so down and depressed I didnk know how to cope with everything, if you know me very well you’d understand what im going through but some of you wont understand. Maybe youll think that im very messed up being all depressed and down most of the time. I love my life don’t get me wrong but sometimes it just feels like I have to escape and get away form my life and everything that’s going wrong. Its not easy leaving everything behind and trying to forget everything you love…

You know how you sometimes lie to yourself and keep on telling yourself that youll get over that certain person… you just have to find something to occupy your time with… the thing is sometimes its not that easy, you just cant get him or her out of your mind and you cant stop loving them the more you hear them doing something bad you keep tryna defend them and you still love them even though you know that its true. Its not easy fooling your emotions and your thoughts. If you’ve ever felt so strong about a person that you’ve know your whole life and you know their imperfections, yet you still love them… is that love? Is it love even though you know youll never get him or her back? Is it fair towards yourself to go through the pain and suffering and blame yourself although you know its not even your fault.

I know one thing was my fault and I regret everything I did wrong. But if that person you loved so much just push you aside without even telling you what you did wrong, so that you can learn how to do it right, does he even meant what he said? Did he mean what he said when he told you he loved you no matter what? Because now im starting to wonder that if he did love me he would have tried to work things out. No matter how bad it was right.

If you know what im talking about, youll understand that it isn’t easy to forget and forgive him… or yourself. A lesson ive learnt is to forgive yourself even if it was your fault. It’s the only way to some to terms with yourself…

If you do forgive yourself them I think it will help you to deal with things a lot more easier. Its not gonna be easy it took me a really long time to get it all figured out. But it helped.

Im making a book of all the things we shared and I kept diary of how happy he made me the time we dated. Even though I look at it every night I keep telling me if it was meant to be he would have forgave me for what I did and he would have tried to work it out. But that person who would do something like that is the one youll spend the rest of your life with. Because he understands you, he loves you for all your imperfections and the way you are… ive heard so many times about couples getting married and at the end they end up married to their best friend… I get it though, your best friend (opposite sex) knows you so well and he understands you and gets your problems and he knows how to handle and treat you… I have a best friend like that but he’s far away from me and I do like him… I love him… but its so complicated.

I just wana be happy and not worry about getting hurt again because its not fun… it’s the most painful thins you can go through… especially if you keep looking into something that was his once and a place that reminds you of him…

Here’s the most important thing for this entry im gonna write about… is this…

If your struggling to get over something… start building a wall.. the most important.. Foundation- your friends they help you through everything, cement- your family, they stick with you no matter what and then the bricks… your own integrity… trust in yourself and whatever you need to get over or accomplish you can build a wall that’s so strong its will hold any bad shit coming for you way.

Don’t forget those who love you… they never give up on you when others d

These last few days that I didn’t write I was so scared that maybe I would say something that I shouldn’t… im scared of talking to people now that ive been hurt so many times. People don’t get me and that hurts… but this time im writing about it… cause it’s the only way to learn from my mistakes and other peoples. I loved being around people, but I just got scared to face them if I knew something they didn’t. If I did see something that hurt me or hear something I tend to run away from it and ive been told so many times I shouldn’t run from my problems but I know that myself I just cant face it that their right and im wrong.

You can say im stubborn or whatever but I know one thing. Sometimes things aren’t what they seem to be. And sometimes they are.

You just have to find out which one it is. It’s no always easy to figure out if what you heard is right or wrong. I mean if it’s right then you’d wana do something about it right? Not just sit and wait for that thing to happen and people get hurt. But if it is wrong and you jump to the wrong conclusion you get in allot of shit and at that moment you don’t need more shit in your life.

Ive had a rough year and some people will understand why. Its now really the time to talk about it, cause if I leave it, it wont ever let my soul rest. I tried to tell myself today that if I can only stop thinking… you know not think of the people who hurt you or when you got hurt maybe I can get my head straight on, maybe then I can concentrate on what I really need to do. But I cant. The person who once loved me too doesn’t care anymore so how am I to stop thinking bout that. It just hurts. Just imagine for once if you had that one person you’d wana live your life with, no regrets, you’d marry him right there and then, you’d do anything for him… what would you do if you lost that guy? Would you forget about him? They say you get over love in 2 months… good love 2 years… and great love… Never.

Im stuck till eternity… I lost my great love and he will never understand why or how I feel about him. Guys simply don’t get when you talk to them its like a different language you speak and the more you talk the more the ignore you. But shut up and give them what they want… they’re happy, but were not. I guess they don’t understand that we do need to be loved and be shown respect. It would be nice if they actually do realize we don’t need money to be happy... Take our hand, just walk anywhere and look us in the eyes then were smitten and happy. Valentines, anniversaries, birthdays, why do you always think your obligated to BUY us something? Why not just a flower… one of your shirts we can sleep in to think of you. Make us just feel special? Not with money. Not all girls are that way.

I think some of the guys I dated got the impression that im one of those girls. But you know what the small things matter the most to me. That’s why no one ever gets me. I would give anything to get him back and let him get to know ME… he made up his mind and I don’t think were ever gonna see each other. I wish I could say im not crying right now… But I am.. you see I found out one thing… he has a new girlfriend. He replaced me. And now I feel like a piece of trash.
I wont get him to see my side. But someday he will see it… with another guy.

Don’t believe everything you see, and don’t judge a book by its cover. For you never know what you thought that book had a weird ending it was just a prologue.. and the book is yet to be read. And it does end in a good way. And if you do believe in a person make sure both of you trust each other so that you can always ask one another anything that comes to heart.

If you start getting scared, take it from me don’t run away. Face it, maybe something unexpected comes your way. Youl never know until you try and find out right?

Elusions happen everyday. Make sure your eye gets the real picture