You can lead a horse to water, but Jack Bauer can make it drink.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says becuase if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

While being put under in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack
fucking Bauer.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.


Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Every time Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.


Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer


Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several t