THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1: CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.
And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2: ATTRACTIVE This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun

Stage 3: RICH This is when you suddenly become the
RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4: INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you ave been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than
them anyway.

Stage 5: INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.



THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1: STUPID As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on
anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2: UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3: POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea
what happened to it but the traces of curry on your lothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a take away at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you
couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4: FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5: CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately,everyone can sp

In the beginning, there was Jack, and Jack had a groove.
And from this groove came the groove of all grooves.
And while one day viciously throwing down on his box, Jack boldy declared,
"Let there be HOUSE!"
and house music was born.
"I am, you see,
I am
the creator, and this is my house!
And, in my house there is ONLY house music.
But, I am not so selfish because once you enter my house it then becomes OUR house and OUR house music!"
And, you see, no one man owns house because house music is a universal language, spoken and understood by all.
You see, house is a feeling that no one can understand really unless you're deep into the vibe of house.
House is an uncontrollable desire to jack your body.
And, as I told you before, this is our house and our house music.
And in every house, you understand, there is a keeper.
And, in this house, the keeper is Jack.
Now some of you who might wonder,
"Who is Jack, and what is it that Jack does?"
Jack is the one who gives you the power to jack your body!
Jack is the one who gives you the power to do the snake.
Jack is the one who gives you the key to the wiggly worm.
Jack is the one who learns you how to walk your body.
Jack is the one that can bring nations and nations of all Jackers together under one house.
You may be black, you may be white; you may be Jew or Gentile. It don't make a difference in OUR House.
And this is fresh.

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the land
Music was fighting, band against bland,
For that coveted place at the top of the charts
But the truth of the matter was most had lost heart.

For it seemed now that music meant money and fame
Not writing new songs but just getting your name
Into Heat magazine and becoming a star
Based on being on TV; it had all gone too far

What had once been a joke, what had once passed the time
Now ruled the world and it must be a crime
For the X-Factor grinch to control Number One
It was cruel, it was tragic. But what could be done?

Music meant more we knew this was wrong.
It meant changing the world. It meant writing a song.
But now it meant voting and phone-ins and tears
And Cowell ruining Christmas for all who had ears.

But someone decided it wasn't too late
There were still those who cared about true music's fate
So they gathered an army who wanted much more
Than an X-Factor Christmas. This time it was war.

Their plan was quite simple and really quite sound:
To achieve something concrete with one English pound.
With one unified gesture of buying one track
Music, united, would take Christmas back

They would each buy a copy of a song loved of age
A song that had meaning, and swearing, and rage
A song to remind us why music won't die
A slow euthanasia under Cowell's watchful eye.

The saviours of Christmas and music took heart
And pledged, in some small way, to each play their part
In dismantling an empire of vacuous gain
Where promotion of talentless wankers held reign.

Ignore the X-Factor and it might go away
In the meantime, buy music, 'cause it's here to stay.
So go out and buy Rage and we might win this fight
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

(I didn't write this btw)