6th Place
---------
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

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5th Place
----------
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

________________________________

4th Place
---------
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

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3rd Place
---------
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

________________________________

2nd Place
---------
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'

________________________________

SMART-ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
----------------------------------
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

"God damn! making of wick the wrong why! ok there in a sec",
"Romanian woman: 'Do you want a Big Issue for your LADY (Shirley)' our response: 'We're poor students, you're earning more than us!!!'",
"i need to get some fish nets.....tights, that is - Im going to a Berlesque party!!",
"Sea urchines...they're like the hedgehogs of the sea..",
"Bagel me Bitch!!!",
"(Shirley): ' So what did you do yesterday?' (Geoff): 'I was pinching and poking my eyeballs!'",
"take it out before you use it!!!",
"....evening wear.....",
"it's grand when two of us are looking at that stuff but when it's just one - that's just perv-y!!!",
"BOOBIES!!" (in the bra section of Pennys!),
"stop groping my chest there's a child looking",
"Snapping Turtles tried to rip my face off, that's why I have a scar!",
"It's like a wall of Americans!!!",
"God just spat in your eye!!",
"I'm not dipping my spoon into somebody else's porridge!",
"jewish elves just chipping away in a cave making crystals",
"If fire-alarms had an accent what accent would it be?... French of course!!...(in a French accent) ' get off my lawn, I throw a couch at you!!'"


If you wish you may ask us about any of these events.....they are all equally hilarious!!!