Kevin Keegan dies and goes to heaven
He meets St Peter at the golden gates and says that he will not enter if Eric Cantona is in there as he was a constant thorn in his side during his time at newcastle. St Peter assures him that Eric Cantona is still alive and will not be in heaven for a long time so keegan agrees to enter.
Two minutes later Keegan comes running out to St Peter and calls him a liar as he has saw Cantona playing football with his collar turned up on his famous No 7
United shirt, St Peter replies that its not Eric Cantona but in fact its God he just thinks he Eric Cantona

There's a place we know where Scousers go,
and it's always lots of fun,
you can have a laugh at many things,
if you're ready with a pun...

You can mock the dead of Munich,
be glad that George Best's dead,
you can sing a dozen funny songs,
of Duncan Edward's head...

You can hope that Gary Neville,
gets cancer and he dies,
throw ammonia at Whiteside,
and hope it blinds his eyes,

You can even stone an ambulance,
where Alan Smith is lying
even if it doesn't overturn,
it's bound to be fun trying,

You can talk of many pleasant things,
with your like-minded mates,
but you'll pause to show such reverence,
as you pass the Shankly Gates,

Where every single Scouser,
who ever passed away,
must be honoured and respected,
have their own special day,

Cos Scousers are a special breed,
their hearts upon their sleeve,
they ask the country to join in,
and watch them as they grieve,

They celebrate and they respect,
each Scouser who departs,
they ask that we can shed their tears,
and nurse their broken hearts,

Yet mention dead of anyone,
who doesn't fit their own,
they laugh out loud there is no shred,
of honour ever shown,

They laugh at young men dying,
on runways filled with ice,
and celebrate that Munich day,
and never would think twice,

of mocking Harold Shipman's dead,
that lived within our city,
these wallowers in plastic grief,
the masters of self pity,

They wave their tin foil silverware,
and throw cups filled with sh!t,
to shower on opposing fans,
but never will admit,

the murder of their very own,
their much loved Stanley knives,
the night they killed Juventus fans,
a tragic waste of lives,

It's "justice for the 96",
but never 39,
It's grieving for 'poor' Michael Shields,
but not for Heysel dying,

It's always everybody else,
they're not the ones to blame,
it was Chelsea, Yorkshire coppers,
it's always been the same,

We've all shed tears as 96,
lay dying on the floor,
but our sympathy has long since died,
we'll grieve with you no more...

Our sympathy has long since died,
we'll grieve with you no more.

....and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a news stand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?' He had both....so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet....

Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down....his people are undertakers

I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey. Forty yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Dublin's Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal! So much for religion.

Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery.

1-5 to 0-8....well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language

Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now....but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail....I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!

I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork, sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae

Teddy looks at the ball....the ball looks at Teddy

Danny 'The Yank' Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't he done well

He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50....he's on the 40....he's on the 30..........he's on the ground

In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball

He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a point.......it went wide

Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of 12....all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at home minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce....

Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21, fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide......and the dog lost as well

Sean Og O Hailpin....his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold.

Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation