A Dublin street beggar, known as “Billy Bulmers” has been fined €700 as part of the government’s crackdown on begging in Ireland. Mr. Bulmers told the Spanner: “Where am I gonna find that kind of money? I’ll give you two guesses” before taking his empty chocolate chip mocha cup and sitting down outside the Spar where our meeting took place.

Moves by the government to crack down on beggars come fast off the back of cutting down on bills caused by old people. When it was put to the Taoiseach that not one banker had been fired for the economic crisis and that this was a government lacking compassion, he said something about how innovation is important and we have to remain competitive and that kind of thing.

Most of the traditional begging hotspots were mostly empty today and it is thought that the beggars convened to discuss a radical response to the government initiative. “I dunno where all the lads are,” said Mr. Bulmers, when probed. “I’ve got fookin’ wooork to be doin’. I can’t be socializin’, y’know wha’ I mane?” said he in a rather coarse Dublin accent.

When it was put to Mr. Bulmers that he may be caught for begging to pay back his begging fine, he seemed confused and took a sip from his paper cup full of five cent pieces. “Look what you made me bleedin’ do! I’m down about twenty five cent now.” When your correspondent gave him five cent, he responded, “that’s not the point. Have you ever shat a five cent coin before?”

The government department for the Abolition of Vulnerable Citizens was keen to stress that only ‘obstructive’ forms of begging were to be discontinued and that it was in the process of putting together a manual for beggars on begging dos and don’ts. “You know, it’s common sense,” said a spokesman, “Sitting down with crying baby? Sure, why not? But approaching people at a luas going to Ranelagh and beggin them for change? Oh no you didn’t!”

It is thought that the begging guidelines will be put together by an action team, which has researched various types of “guerrilla marketing” used by more creative think-outside-the-cardboard-box beggars. Such methods include playing guitar with Glen Hansard on Grafton Street, swallowing lit cigarettes and blowing smoke rings, and the old strawberry frapple in syringe stunt.

Expect a backlash from the Irish Beggars Confederation (IBEC) in the coming days. And to end on a happy note, Billy Bulmers found the twenty five cent he misplaced and was at €4.69 at last count. So much for the government crackdown.

WASHINGTON —

African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."

CHICAGO —

According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

"The time for change is now," said the black guy, yelling at everyone within earshot for 20 straight minutes, practically begging America for change. "The need for change is stronger and more urgent than ever before. And only you—the people standing here today, and indeed all the people of this great nation—only you can deliver this change."

The black guy is oddly comfortable demanding change from people he's never even met.

It is estimated that, to date, the black man has asked every single person in the United States for change.

"I've already seen this guy four times today," Chicago-area ad salesman Blake Gordon said. "Every time, it's the same exact spiel. 'I need change.' 'I want change.' Why's he so eager for all this change? What's he going to do with it, anyway?"

After his initial requests for change, the black man rambled nonstop on a variety of unrelated topics, calling for affordable health care, demanding that the government immediately begin withdrawing troops from Iraq, and proposing a $75 billion economic stimulus plan to create new jobs.

"What a wacko," Schaumburg, IL resident Patrick Morledge said. "And, of course, after telling us all about how he had the ability to magically fix everything, he went right back to asking for change. Typical."

"If he's really looking for change, he's got the wrong guy," Morledge added.

Reports indicate that the black man has been riding from city to city across the country, asking for change wherever he goes. Citizens in Austin, TX said they spotted the same guy standing on the street Friday, shouting far-fetched ideas about global warming. Cleveland residents also reported seeing him in a local park, wildly gesticulating and quoting from the Bible. And last week, patrons at the Starlight Diner in Cheyenne, WY claimed that the black man accosted them while they were eating, repeatedly requesting change.

"I saw him walk in and I knew he was headed straight for our table," said mother of three Gladys Davies. "He just stood there smiling at us for a while, and asked how our food tasted. Then he went and did the same thing at the next table over. The nerve of some people."

Those who encountered the black man Tuesday said he engaged in erratic behavior, including pointing at random people in the crowd and desperately saying he needs their help, going up to complete strangers and hugging them, and angrily claiming that he is not looking for just a little bit of change, but rather a great deal of change, and that he wants it "right now."

"I'll be honest, when that black guy said he would 'stop at nothing' to get change, it kind of scared me," local mechanic Phil Nighbert said. "Just leave me alone."

Though many were taken aback by the black man's brazen demands, some, such as Jackson, MS's Holly Moser, sympathized with him. She gave the black man credit for boldly standing up and asking every last person around him for change.

"I told him I'd give him some if I saw him later, even though I probably won't," Moser said. "Very nice man, though."

Most, however, ignored his requests.

"I'm a hardworking American who pays his taxes, and the last thing I need is some guy on the street demanding change from me," said William Overkamp, a Springfield, IL gun-shop owner.

He added, "What he really needs is a job." !!!