An old man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday, with a drop-dead
gorgeous young blonde on his arm. "I'm looking for a spectacular ring for
this young lady," he said. The jeweller looks through his
stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand. I want something unique, and much more
expensive" the old man said. At that, the jeweller went and fetched
his special stock from the safe.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $85,000." The girls' eyes sparkled,
and the man said that he would take it. "Fine," the jeweller said. "And
how will you be paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course you will want
to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque today, and
you can
phone the bank on Monday, and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

Monday morning a very cheesed-off jeweller phoned the man. "You lied
to me," he said, "there's no money in that account."

I know," the old man said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic
weekend I had?"

fuckin A!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine.
That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what

hello world, just little ole me here, just looking to meet people who like to chat and get on well with each other. i'm 28 going on 24 sometimes, but age is catching me, still love to play rugby although it takes a bit longer for the pain to ease post match . got loads of mates in the "real" world, well at least i think i do, they may all hate me. other than that ask away, i don't shy away from many conversations or subjects.
have a good one whatever your doing
loads of love
phil