> > >After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
> > >sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
> > >mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> > >then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.
> > >Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
> > >
> > >Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
> > >Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as
> > >marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
> > >
> > >By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
> > >airline in the world
> >that has never, ever, had an accident!
> > >
> > >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > >S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> > >
> > >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> > >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> > >
> > >P: Something loose in the cockpit.
> > >S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
> > >
> > >P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > >S: Live bugs on backorder.
> > >
> > >P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> > >descent.
> > >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> > >
> > >P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
> > >S: Evidence removed.
> > >
> > >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > >S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
> > >
> > >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > >S: That's what friction locks are
> >for.
> > >
> > >P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> > >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> > >
> > >P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> > >S: Suspect you're right.
> > >
> > >P: The number 3 engine is missing.
> > >S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
> > >
> > >P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
> > >
> > >P: Target radar hums.
> > >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> > >
> > >P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > >S: Cat installed.
> > >
> > >And the best one saved for last.....
> > >
> > >P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> > >pounding on something with a hammer.
> > >S: Took hammer away from the midget.

>>>An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub
>>>and promptly orders three beers.
>>>
>>>The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which
>>>he
>>>drinks quietly at a table, alone.
>>>
>>>An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
>>>more.
>>>This happens yet again.
>>>
>>>The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time,
>>>several times.
>>>
>>>Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three
>>>Beers."
>>>
>>>Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
>>>the
>>>town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
>>>always order three beers?"
>>>
>>>"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and
>>>one
>>>went to America, and the other to Australia.
>>>
>>>We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers
>>>whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
>>>
>>>The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon
>>>the
>>>"Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride
>>>to
>>>the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch
>>>him
>>>drink.
>>>
>>>Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
>>>pours them with a heavy heart.
>>>
>>>This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The
>>>word flies around town.
>>>
>>>Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
>>>
>>>The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first
>>>of
>>>all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.
>>>
>>>You know-the two beers and all...."
>>>
>>>The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear
>>>that my two brothers are alive and well.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.
>>>

Think carefully about this....



You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on) and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *