1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep

2. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy and Home and Away

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.

8. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.

10. You carry an umbrella.

11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

12. You don't go to Tesco with all your friends.

13. You have standing orders and direct debits.

14. The heating works in your house.

15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.

16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

19. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.

22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

23. You don't know what time Abrakebabra closes anymore.

24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.

26. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.

27. You don't put half-finished pizza in the fridge to eat later.

28. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub crawls.

29. You "hate scrounging students".

30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs/traffic cones when drunk.

31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.

32. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.

33. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.

34. You always know where you are when you wake up.

35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.

37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and
>pregnancy tests.

38. A EUR3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

41. You don't tolerate mice living in your kitchen.

42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.

43. You don't go to Lidl to buy Vodka.

44. You hoover.

45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

46. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".

47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (not bebo hehe)

48. You don't experiment with banned substances.

49. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.

50. Lunchtime is not 'the morning'.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush: __________________________
Carter: __________________________
Clinton: __________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Tescos
____ (b) Superquinn
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. Amhrán na bhFiann is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of Ireland produces the most potatoes?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) London
____ (c) Wexford
____ (d) Sydney

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does RTE (Radio Teilifis Eireann) stand for?

20. The UCD University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D

Signed _______________________

Not bad, this wee piece...

ECONOMICS EXPLAINED IN COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away!


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
A pretty woman walks by.
You decide to go for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.