"Please provide the date of your death."
-from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
-Richard (Dicky) Nixon
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca
"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn
Helpful Warnings:
"CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children"
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Brooke Shields
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
-Batman costume warning label
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
-Gerry Brown
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush
"I was provided with addtional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
-Parish Magazine
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
"Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents."
-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.
Dwight Eisenhower
Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.
-- Sen. Chris Dodd (D, Conn.), on the Don Imus show, on campaigning
If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate.
-- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
-- Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, Calif.)
Joey Bishop (talk-show host): Would you like to become a regular on the show? Barry Goldwater: No, thank you. I'd much rather watch you in bed with my wife.
You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy!
-- President Bill Clinton, looking at the recently-discovered Inca mummy "Juanita"
You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us.
-- Bob Dole
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. -- President George Bush
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl. -- Marion Barry
You can't just let nature run wild.
-- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska
The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.
-- Mike Murphy, adviser to Lamar Alexander
I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity.
-- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

This is a tribute to those with the most thrillingly daft names on the web. We salute them all.

Lisa Minge,
Gynaecologist

Dick Hymen,
Pianist

Wan Kin Too,
alumnus of Wah Yan College, Hong Kong

Gay Search,
Radio Times Gardening Editor

Dong Suk Yuk,
Speech Information Processing Laboratory,
Department of Computer Science, Korea University


Cory Butz, Associate Professor
Department of Computer Science
University of Regina

André L. Tits
Professor, Electrical Engineering and the Institute for Systems Research

Councillor Barrie Mycock,
Churnet Valley


Mitch Gaylord,
Olympic Gymnast


Welcome Bender,
Department of Biological Chemistry and Molecular Pharmacology
Harvard

Yvan Le Bolloc'h,
Actor.

Randy Bumgardner,
software developer and blogger.

Yolanda Squatpump,
make-up artist, The Usual Suspects


While these are just some our favourites, we'd also like to mention the following beautifully named people:

Terry Tuby,
Anel Smutts,
Richard Sheath,
Edwardo Bastardo,
Waqar A Butt,
Suzanne J Cockaday,
Ricardo Cunto,
Beat Dick,
Randy L Fackler,
Tory S Gaylord,
John Knoblock,
Francisco Ponce,
Porntip Pornpakdeewatana,
Willam T Ristoff,
Timothy Titcomb,
Dick Woodcraft,
Wankyu Choi,
Ladislav Fuks,
Spunk Ichiban,
Dr Murat Kunt,
Larry Poos,
JJ Prick,
Winifred Slagg,
Martin Wank,
Thomas Wanker,
William Paul Wanker,
Dick Fokker,
Quim Boix,
Sean Biggerstaff,
Gay Head,
Gaye Pope,
Randy Duck,
Randy Gaylord,
Randy Ringer,
Lord and Lady Bastard,
Roger Bumpass,
Skip Collector
and
Dong Dong Dong.

Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,
I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me
potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig
the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,
For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them
feckin' BODIES!
Love, Mick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local
police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of
about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,
Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Mick