I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.

I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him..

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him.

We took a direct bus from David on the West coast of Panama all the way up to San jose aiming for a nice surf town called montezuma. The border crossings in central america are normally pain free, its just the waiting in the heat thats the killer.

Montezuma is a pretty special little place, its like a backpackers fantasyland full of hippies and freethinking locals. the place also has a renowned ´village waster´ who would greet new arrivals by wrestling with the front of your bus and generally shouting obscenities as you got off. we could never work out how the bum could afford to be wasted 24/7 cos we found him slugging a bottle of rum at 10am pretty much every day! My mate managed to get a cracking photo of him chasing folk with a mini supersoaker he stole off another backpacker, hilarious banter..

However, the surf was rubbish there so we moved up the coast to our next surf town of Malpais(behind frank´s place). We had a laugh trying to catch some ridiculous beach breaks which were closing out really quickly on us and we were to shit to get further out onto the bigger stuff. I have to download some of the photos of Pat´s birthday piss up, it was hilarious how drunk we were and how the hell we all managed to climb up a tree during a tropical thunderstorm, pretty smart hey!

The next stop in Costa rica was further inland up in the highlands called La fortuna. This place is famous for its eco-tours round volcano ´arinal´ and the hot springs around the area. We did some hiking around the area, including a trip to a massive waterfall, and on an eco tour where we found some Tarzan vines to swing on and eat dodgy leaves and stuff.

We managed to cover quite a lot in Costa rica so it was time to venture further North into the badlands of Mordor, sorry i mean nicaragua.

I thought this would be the easiest way to let everyone know the travel progress without sending ridiculous group e-mails that take forever to type and always miss out some nearest and dearest. so i´ll put in some of my thoughts and memories from my travel diary and hopefully throw in some pretty piccies...

Sooo, panama, it was short and sweet stay on the carribean side of the country, the border crossing was fun as it started off on the back of a pickup through bandit country with only gravel tracks instead of roads. i thought this was weird for a boarder crossing but then most people would fly in or take a boat,etc. after the pickup we rocked onto a power boat and ripped through this river run to Bocas del toro. The place is full a rastafarians and other crazy folk, the rest are fat american tourists who just sit in bars and talk shit all day. we didn´t hang about and went off for some island hopping.. the coolest island was ´bastimentos´ which was great because it was so primitive and down to earth- no roads, no internet, no mobile phones, it was pretty refreshing.. our hostel was built out on the water so we could wake up and run off our pier into the sea. The only downside to the location as we later found out, was that the seweage from our toilet had only one place to go-we freaked out when we realized we were diving into sewage every day!
we pretty much owned the place cos we had such a large group for the tiny hostel called él jaguar.