\'m as sick as a small hospital

I\'m so hungry I\'d eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se

Your\' re as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit

My mouth\'s as dry as a nuns cr@ck

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He\'s so camp, he shites tent pegs

I\'m as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)

(when leaving) I\'m off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

Sweatin\' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

As tight as a nun\'s knickers

I\'m so horny I\'d get up on the crack of dawn

I\'d crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor\'s knickers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I left her with a face like a painters radio

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

As fit as a butcher\'s dog

She \' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Not even the tide would take her out

Mother Teresa wouldn \'t kiss her

Daz wouldn\'t shift her

Des Kelly wouldn\'t lay her

A sniper wouldn\'t take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn\'t ride her into battle

If I\'d a bag of bruised willies I wouldn\'t give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that\'s just licked p*ss off a nettle

She wouldn\'t get a kick in a stampede

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab

If I\'d a garden full of mickeys I wouldn\'t let her look over the wall

Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her f@nny