1. A cobra bit John Smeaton's leg.After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died

2. John Smeaton does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge John Smeaton

3. John Smeaton can strangle you with a cordless phone

4. Superman wears John Smeaton Pyjamas!

5. John Smeaton isn't afraid of the dark........the dark is afraid of John Smeaton

6. Smeaton doesn't read books.. He just stares at it until he gets the information he wants.

7. Death once had a near-John Smeaton experience

8. John Smeaton never re-treats, he just attacks in the opposite direction

9. John Smeaton won a game of connect 4 in two moves

10. John Smeaton went into Burger King and asked for a Big Mac... He got one

11. We don't care if our girlfriend thinks about Smeaton during sex.... We do too!

12. When John Smeaton has sex with a man it isn't beause he is gay, it is because he has ran out of women!

13. John Smeaton masturbates over a picture of John Smeaton only!

14. John Smeaton lost his virginity before his Dad did!

15. Smeaton does not sleep...He only waits.

16. John Smeaton is not hung like a horse...Horses are hung like John Smeaton!

17. When Smeaton jumps into a river he does not get wet.... The water gets "Smeatoned".

18. Did u know that Smeaton was the Fourth Wiseman!

19. John Smeaton recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beveridge... This is known as Red Bull !

20.If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: John Smeaton!

21. On the 7th day, God rested.... John Smeaton took over.

22. If you want a list of John Smeaton's enemies. Just look in the extincted species list.

23. John Smeaton has never blinked in his entire life... Never

24. John Smeaton owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1993 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

25. John Smeaton does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

26. John Smeaton is Luke Skywalker's real father.

27.John Smeaton actually died 5 years ago... but death was to scared to tell him.

28. The boogey man checks under his bed for John smeaton at night.

29. Did you know that John Smeaton's tears can cure cancer?....Shame he never cries.

30. John Smeaton has counted to infinity...twice

31. Guns don't kill people. Smeaton does

32. The leading causes of death in the Uk are: 1.Heart Disease 2. John Smeaton 3. Cancer

33. John Smeaton is the reason that Wally is hiding.

34. John Smeaton doesn't wear a watch.. HE decides what time it is.

35. John Smeaton gave Mona Lisa that smile ... =)

36. John Smeaton can slam a revolving door!

37. John smeaton does not get frost bite... John Smeaton bites frost!

38. John Smeaton once ate a whole cake before his freinds could tell him there was a stripper in it!

39. When John Smeaton was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he flykicked the place so hard it became Burger king.

40. John Smeaton can divide by zero.

41. John Smeaton grinds the coffee with his teeht and then boils the water with his own rage!

42. If you Google search "John Smeaton getting his arse kicked" you will get zero results. It just doesn't happen.

43. It takes John smeaton 20 minutes to watch for 60 minutes.

44. John Smeaton once swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills....He blinked.

45. Superman was watching the news one night when a video showing john Smeaton killing a terrorist started showing.... He cried himself to sleep that night.

46. John smeaton can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.. at night.

47. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is John Smeaton.

48. John Smeaton CAN believe its not butter.

49. John Smeaton CAN touch MC Hamm