1) The GAA player who played in front of 80,000 at the weekend will be teaching your children, selling you meat or fixing your drains on Monday morning. The soccer player who plays in front of 80,000 will be moaning about playing too many games and will be trying to sell you his personalised brand of leisure wear

2) GAA nicknames are better (The Bull, The Bomber, etc.) . Soccer players just add a Y to their surnames

3) Dublin vs Meath is a real derby. What does Utd. Vs City mean to Ronaldo or Sibierski

4) How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer eleven. One to stick it in and ten to surround and kiss him after he does it

5) Soccer players go to the papers after a game. GAA players go to the pub

6) John Terry would run a mile if he came up against Francie Bellew

7) GAA teams are numbered 1-15. A soccer team reads like the lottery results

All soccer players wear shin pads. Some hurlers wear helmets

9) Television runs soccer. Schoolteachers run the GAA

10) The GAA is about where you're from. Soccer is about who you like

11) No segregation at GAA games

12) No soccer team has a nickname quite as lovely as the Fighting Cocks of Carlow

13) Bubble perms never made it to Croke Park

14) A scoreless draw in the GAA would be quite a novelty

15) The GAA may not appreciate its women as much as it should but at least we all know who Cora Stanunton is. The most famous woman in English soccer is Posh Spice

16) Under age players get to be part of the biggest days in hurling and football at half-time in the All-Ireland.

17) Micheal O'Murchearaigh.

1 If a GAA player ever jumped at a spectator like Eric Cantona did the rest of his team would join in. So would the rest of the crowd.

19)Vinnie Jones grabbed Gascoignes testicles. Paudie O'Se decked Joe McNally during the National Anthem. McNally learnt his lesson. Gascoigne just got worse.

20) The GAA season always leaves you wanting more. The soccer season leaves soccer people demanding less. "Fewer games please"

21) Old soccer players get testimonials, Old GAA players just slip down to junior.

22) Rural villages = A Church, A Post-office, a Pub and a GAA pitch.

23) Pints after the match with the lad you knocked seven lumps of shite out of in the game.

24)Croke park on a Summer's Day.

25)Roman Abramovich can buy the League. You can't buy Sam!

....and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a news stand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?' He had both....so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet....

Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down....his people are undertakers

I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey. Forty yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Dublin's Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal! So much for religion.

Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery.

1-5 to 0-8....well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language

Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now....but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail....I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!

I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork, sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae

Teddy looks at the ball....the ball looks at Teddy

Danny 'The Yank' Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't he done well

He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50....he's on the 40....he's on the 30..........he's on the ground

In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball

He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a point.......it went wide

Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of 12....all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at home minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce....

Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21, fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide......and the dog lost as well

Sean Og O Hailpin....his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold.

Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation

It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculpto