As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at
work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around
the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra
30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip
out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side
effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until
everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the
amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME. (yep..guilty)

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the
sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at
work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of
The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooing goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you
are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open.
This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If
this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd
Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toil