Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Michael Smalley? After all, what qualities make a great host?

Personality -- Check Awesomeness -- Check Good Looks -- Check

Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym.

IS SHE LEGAL?

20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges... Is She Legal?

Location: International waters

Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly

Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice

Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board

AMERICA'S WETTEST T-SHIRT

500 girls in skin-tight white t-shirts vie to see who can make their t-shirt the wettest

Location: A different city each week... regrets, Buffalo

Judges: A panel composed of Swimsuit models, firemen, and Olympic gold medal swimmer, Michael Phelps

Prize: Each week's winner will board the America's Wettest T-Shirt tour bus and earn an automatic entry in the season-ending tournament of champions, held in my pants

Sponsor: The NBA - The National Breast Augmentation Society

FATHERS AND SONS

Each week a father and son unite, forgive each other, and start their relationship anew

Location: The heart

Judges: No one should judge the relationship between father and son

Prize: The chance to finally play catch with your pop

Sponsor: The NBA - The National Basketball Association

THE NEXT GREAT TAILOR

Up and coming tailors prove their mettle by making me new top of the line suits every week

Location: Milan

Judges: Pieces will be judged on the following categories:
1. Wear-ability

2. Remove-ability

3. Get-Smalley-laid-ability


Prize: I get a nice suit and, depending on its quality, laid

Sponsor: Smalley's Peterborough. Duh.

DON'T FORGET YOUR WALLET

Unknown contestants are woken up early in the morning following a one-night stand and have one minute to dress and escape before we wake up the chick. If the clock expires or the contestant leaves any personal belongings, he may wind up stuck in a relationship.
Location: A bedroom near you

Judges: A panel made up of myself, Scott Baio and Lorenzo Lamas

Prize: Freedom

Sponsor: Trojan "Together we can end Feelings"

STEP 1: GET LAID


STEP 2: TAKE PICTURE
Something tasteful that captures the true essence of the woman. You’ll want to experiment to find your own style, but I’ve found the combination of zoom lens and cleavage to be the most classically rewarding.


STEP 3: GATHER ARTIFACTS
For instance, did you conjugate in a hotel? Well that room key doesn’t just unlock a room, it unlocks the memory of getting laid in that room.


CHOOSE A COMPLIMENTARY COLOR
Preferably, the background color of each page should reflect some aspect of your quarry. Was she Goth? Make it black. Was she a bride? Make it white. Was she a nun? How about a mixture of black and white.


STEP 5: PICK A BORDER
Here's where I really like to get creative. On page 83 of my own scrapbook, I detail a roll in the hay with a strapping young milkmaid. We quite literally rolled in hay. Hence, I constructed a border out of strands of hay I later found attached to my underpants.


STEP 6: JOURNALING
A picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes those thousand words leave you little to no idea just who the girl was, or more importantly, just who you were. More information is always helpful. Here’s a sample journal from one of my scrapbook pages:

Alias: Elsworth Di Bona

Angle: Prince of Norway – I was to set sail to reclaim my rightful Norwegian throne stolen from me by the evil Dr. Reifenstandt. It was a dangerous, and most likely, deadly mission but such was the risk necessary to ensure my family crest be restored to its rightful, noble grandeur. My enemies could have been lurking anywhere, so it was imperative I secure safe lodging for the night.

Girl: Jenni Hendriks

Measurements: 36-24-35

Special notes: Great backrubs. Unfortunately, roommate raised by elderly Norwegian aunt.

If seen again: Pretend you have twin brother; amnesia; or you’re undercover and can’t talk now.


STEP 7: ENJOY YOUR SCRAPBOOK!
Not only have you commemorated your conquests in a classier way than the traditional notch on the bedpost, but you’ve also embarked on a lifelong hobby that will bestow great personal joy for years to come. Which brings us to the final and most important step of scrapbooking…


STEP 8: GET LAID AGAIN

1. Bro’s before ho’s.
2. The mom of a Bro is always off limits but the step-mom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing.
3. Bro’s cannot make eye contact during a “devil’s three-way” (two dudes).
4. Don’t date within the same clique.
5. Never drink the last beer, unless you’ve been granted specific permission that it’s OK.
6. If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time:
* Was an ex-girlfriend.
* Your Bro specifically told you he wanted her.
* Is you’re buddy’s sister.

However, if it’s your Bro’s cousin, well she’s up for grabs, and you’re welcome to rub it in Bro’s face for years to come.
7. Never diss a Bro if his team just lost a crushing game
8. You must never own a cat.
9. If you get 2 tickets to the big game, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows:
* Your Bro’s (in order of how long you’ve known them).
* Your acquaintances.
* Your co-workers.
* The mailman.
* The UPS guy.
* NASA.
* John Kerry.
* …1,485,726. Your girlfriend.
10. As a Bro you are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, you’re already too late.
11. Birthday and Christmas presents for your Bro’s are optional. Beer always makes a great gift.
12. If you go the bar with your Bro’s, you must buy a round of drinks at least once.
13. There are no mercy rules when playing someone in Madden, hoops, street hockey, bare-fisted boxing, etc.
14. If you owe a Bro money, pay them back as soon as humanly possible—unless it’s a gambling debt, which must be paid immediately.
15. Standard shotgun rules are as follows:
* Shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car.
* Shotgun must be called outside.
* Shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes.
* Shotgun never carries over to a second ride.
16. NO P.D.A. (Public Displays of Affection). Hey, congratulations, another girl can stand the sight of you. You don’t need to wear her like a fucking trophy.
17. It’s alright to cheat at any game where money isn’t involved. In certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as “games.”
18. Don’t tell other Bro’s elaborate stories about your weightlifting exercise routine. No one cares.
19. Never openly question another Bro’s sports wisdom, unless said information specifically pertains to your favorite team. It doesn’t matter how ludicrous the other Bro sounds telling you that Jake Plummer was better than Steve McNair last season, let said Bro be.
20. When out with Bro’s, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she’s dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that’s the case, make it quick.
21. Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches.
22. Never share a bed with a Bro, unless there’s no way around it.
23. Bro’s before hoes. I know, I already used it. I can’t stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my Bro’s have become insufferable dicks since they’ve gone out with someone.
24. In a 6 person hot tub, there should be a maximum of 3 Bro’s.
25. A Bro should not sing and dance at the same time.
26. A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.
27. A Bro should not watch Oxygen, Womens Entertainment, or Lifetime.
28. Bro’s do not lie about their age.
29. A Bro should not swing his arms when he is walking.
30. A Bro should never carry a woman’s handbag
31. A Bro should never go tanning.
32. No Bro should dye their hair.
33. A Bro should never refer to an athlete as a “stud”.
34. A Bro should never cry during a movie. In the event that said Bro does, he must under no circumstance admit it to anyone other than a girl he is trying to score with.
35. A Bro should not “pop” his collar.
36. A Bro should not speak more than two language