European Terror Reaction
USA Resolute

Reuters, London.
11th July 2007

Our London correspondent reports that, in light of recent terrorist threats, the British authorities have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved"

It would appear that security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. In the meantime terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning was during the great fire of 1666.

In France the French authorities also announced that it had raised its terror level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's only white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French and English that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

Elsewhere in Europe Germany has increased it's alert from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress In Uniform And Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose"

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they have to worry about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are in a high state of excitement following the deployment of their new submarine fleet. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a good view of the old Spanish navy.

Washington has announced that there will be no change to the strategy that has served the country so well over the last 100 years. A spokesperson confirmed that the guiding principles remained as "Sit on the fence until you know who is winning" followed by "Bomb the crap out of everything then find out who's side they were on".

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

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Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

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Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris plans to reunite The Beatles. All he needs is a gun and two bullets.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

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Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

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Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

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Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

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Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can pro