The Life and Lies Of Pope Gregory Simon Fredrick Whelan-Curtin The Third Esquire, In B Sharp.

Facts compiled by Aaron Bowen.

Greg hasn’t had an easy life, born in Transylvania in 1992 he was brought into a happy family where both of his parents were successful jockeys in the Transylvanian circuits and they dreamed that one day there new born son would be a jockey riding in Punchestown race course. So they saved up and in 1993 they moved to Cork. Unfortunately the only way they could afford to bring Greg was to send him by air mail. As it is well known Transylvanian air mail leaves a lot to be desired and needless to say Greg didn’t make it to Cork with the rest of his family he got send to Glasgow. There he was left in the lost and found packages and was found by a vagrant and for the next 3 months Greg was raised by this warm hearted tramp.

He taught Greg how to walk, steal for food, showed him how long hair helps protect you against the harsh Scottish winter (advise which Greg has never forgotten or ignored) and perhaps most importantly how to talk. Greg was eventually found by his father thanks to the g.p.s chip embedded in all of Transylvania’s residents. So Greg was brought back to Ireland to begin training to become a jockey. Unfortunately Corkonians having watched too many vampire films were very prejudiced against the Transylvanian immigrants and the only place they could get accommodation was in Gar an James (unable to get accurate spelling due to the fact when I researched his home place on maps it just says “dragons be here” and there is his name is Albi and he is quite racist). They made the most of there dismal living conditions and even built a practice course for Greg who was fast becoming a child prodigy in the world of horse racing.

Tragedy struck when Greg was six when he was diagnosed with a terrible affliction, gigantism, well by jockey standards. By the time he was seven he was six foot tall. His parents reeling from the loss of the promised riches that comes with being a successful jockey struggled to control the restless Greg who was at the age of 8 had an out of control relationship with drink, or more specifically “sunny delight” he drank at least four litres a day until he realised he had a drinking problem when he looked in the and saw he was bright orange!!!!

It was then that Greg turned a corner in his life, He was forced to stay in doors in until his skin returned to a normal shade of colour and the only thing he could do to pass the time was to play on his brothers computer. He quickly learned how to use the computer and spent many hours in front of it discovering all its secrets. Within two weeks he could disassemble and reassemble the computer blindfolded, he had filled the void that not being able to ride horses had left in his life. Greg’s skin eventually returned to its shade of healthy grey and he was allowed return to school.




School had been difficult for Greg up until this point, with his freakish height simply ludicrous accent people tended to avoid talking to Greg. But after being sat down next to Kevin when there was no other seat left in the classroom (people didn’t sit next to Kevin if it could be avoided due to terrible smell of turnips that seemed to radiate from him).They got to talking and quickly bonded over there love of gaming and turnips. Greg now had made a lifelong friend. They protected each other all through primary school, and both went to the C.B.S secondary school because they couldn’t bare the thought of being separated.

Tragedy struck again on August 31st when Greg received news that the vagrant that had taken him in and raised him as his own in Scotland had died. He had left Greg his only possession, his coat. Greg swore to wear the coat in honour of the vagrant despite the ghastly appearance and smell of the garment. He didn’t take it off for two years.
On September 1st Greg met his hero, his guiding star, his fath

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