Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right. 113 7.212
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of wh