chuck norris,, my idol

chuck norris
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."

After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates
to
him.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up

few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to
the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make
him
destroy an orphanage.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
to
kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the
devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying
"booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger

God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
in
the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course,
to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality
rate of
the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds
of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck
Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you
know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this
man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw,
was
a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
onl