hey! um. im Devin...im Mat's younger sistuh. this is my first time on here. lol. uhh. i really dont like bebo. so please add me on myspace

myspace.com/devin_dragqueen

xo,
Devvv.

hey everyone. Kenni here. i finally got a break from work and college and stuff. i miss Mat terribly and i havent spoken of his name at all since..well. i guess that last time i blogged....lately i havent been able to sleep. i miss my brother all too much. the family will be having a rememberance of mat sometime in march. between the 20th and 25th. i dont remember the date exactly. i dont remember the location at this time, and i dont want to give out any false places. apparently out of my entire family, im the only one who still to this day mourns dear mathew. every morning when i wake, i tell his picture that i have taped to my vanity mirror, how much i miss him. every evening i pray that he is okay and tell god to tell mat how much i care and miss him. i wish he was here for christmas. it was hard on everyone to see and empty chair at dinner. i wish he was here to see his baby sister. she's like an angel. her beauty is stunning for someone so young. yes, my parents gave birth to their fourth and final child. Elizabeth Rosalie Smith [[yes, my mother also remarried.]] she has those same stunning blue-green eyes that mat had. same colour hair. that dark brown beauty. shes the mat re-birthed. she's now about five months old, her birthday being the 24th of July. i wish mat could see her. shes an angel to us. maybe he's telling us something? whatever it is, im sure its amazing. im sure mat found someone to be with forever, but never to replace austin. i know he misses you too. i wish i could have seen him one last time before he left. -shiver- the last time i did see him, is when he was lifeless in the hospital, parts of him missing, the others;; hanging by what has seemed like a thread of hope, covered in blood. ripped to shreads, i could see his expression on his face;; regret. sadness. hatred. jealousy. forgivness. i knew after i saw him in his ugly ways, he didnt want to go like this. lately i was rambling through a few notes i had taken after the visit. and a few weeks later. ill put them up.

March 24th, 2008- The day after Mat's death.
i couldnt bare to see him like that; bloody. sad. scared. hurt. alone. shredded into peices. shock is curling in now. i feel him close by. i look around the room, but it is still empty. lifeless. i never wanted to see him go. nobody did. that damn train. that damn boy who broke his heart. oh i oughta kick his ass for this, but i wont. mat wouldnt like that...
i just wanna sit alone forever. nothing matters anymore...

April 23rd, 2008- One month later.
god. i remember like it was yesterday. mat saying his final goodbyes to the family as they all left, one by one out the door after easter dinner. it was mere twilight as i watched him unusually slowly walk up the stairs to his bedroom. i heard a faint door come to a close and finally lock in place. time seemed to go on forever as i sat down and watched re-runs of extreme makeover;; home edition. i heard my mother walking through each and every room upstairs, gathering everyone's laundry for the week...then a scream. i panicked as i fleed up those endless stairs to see what had happened. a window was open. a note was left behind. she re-read it over and over. i read it myself a few times over to try and put the words together as my mother left the house to the nearest railroad. the words i was reading never made any sense. my sister had called, she told me she was already down there. she saw him standing. he was pacing. she said she tried to call him over as she ran more and more closely. she was too late. she was the only one who witnessed his death. she told me it was like watching a chainsaw be brought to a head. it was truly torchure. god how i miss him. it really does feel like yesterday; sitting in the hospital. bawling my eyes out like a three year old who lost her dolly. my sister, whom sat next to me, was staring blankly ahead of herself, shaking. repeating the words over and over silently. 'i saw him die. i saw his spirit arise

hey its kenni again...today is or was supposed to be mats 18th birthday....he was going to be getting into a wonderful college...he was going to go for industrial technology...or culinary...i really dont remember. at his high school graduation...it was nothing but silence when his name was called...then at his graduation party...we all sat in candlelight [we lost our power] talking about the good times....we all love him still, forever and ALWAYS.
mat...I LOVE YOU,
<3 kenni