when i die:
when i die i want *decides not to make this a poem*......

ok to the point.
im going to make a list of things i want at my funeral etc. so when i die i really do go down (literally (well that depends if i get cremated or not (gettin cremated would b maish if i had catatonia tho (then again so would bein buried alive)))) in style.

i just realised that depending on how i die this may not all go to plan but do your best.............


Phase One : Dead Person {0-10 hours postmortem}

there are a few simple things i would like to happen immediately after death:




1.1 before you do ANYTHING, wash my hair. use timotei shampoo and conditioner. then brush with my wet hair comb so that it doesnt tug too much, then brush with my round brush (found in the room next door to my room (there will be 2, mine is the one with shitloads of hair in it)). i will leave instructions about me person as to how i want my parting brushed etc. (if i was scalped before i was killed this may prove to be a bit of a problem)

1.2 drag me (bloodsoaked or broken) to the nearest street corner.

1.3 make a sign on a piece of cardboard that reads: not in just now, please leave pay in the honesty box (usual rate). see how many ppl actually pay for my services.

1.4 use money to buy a small wooden penguin. Name it fred.

1.5 repeat 1.1




Phase Two : Blood and Milk {10-24 hours postmortem}




2.1 Take me to the nearest hospital, make sure you have a doctor on the inside.

2.2 Arrange so that he has a private operating theatre for me.

2.3 Have him operate immediately. The following should be done to my body:
Surgically remove all of my blood and decant it into 176 equally sized canisters.
Replace my blood with Robert Wisemans semi-skimmed milk. (if you can train a corgi to do this part i will be most pleased)
make all of the above look as premortem as possible.


2.4 Repeat 1.1

2.5 Take me from the hospital to an unoccupied, dingy flat in town.

2.6 Paint a large red circle on the floor. Lay me down in it on my back. On top of me you will position a sheep wearing a german WWII helmet.

2.7 Slit the sheeps throat. Use its blood to write the following on the wall: "Baa!". "Shut up or ill come in your eye!". "BAA!". Insert 10cc of my semen into the sheeps ocular cavity.

2.8 Make an anonymous phone call to the police from a phone box 3 miles away informing them of a disturbance in the flat in question.

2.9 Hopefully, when they find a dead guy with milk for blood screwing a dead sheep with a conversation between the two on the wall in the sheeps blood and the guys semen in the sheeps eye they will be a tad confused.

"Beat Ma Chantelle"
Seantelle McCunter feat. Stazzo Dalquiche-ye
'Ode to the BAROX ned' remix of "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy
__________________________________
 __________________________________
 ____


Drink ma buckfast,
Beat ma Chantelle.
Drink ma buckfast,
Beat ma Chantelle.
__

Mug a raj cunt,
Get ma giro.
Tan a ten-deck,
Smoke a doobie.

Doon ma cider,
Shag some drunk boot.
Chore some munchies,
Brick some windies.
__

Gonnae lift me?
Dinnae hink sae.
Fuckin' bolt man,
It's tha busies.
[x2]
__

Malky yer ma,
Chib yer granny.
Quiche a sweaty,
Git a chippy.

Nab some hubcaps,
Steal a Nova.
Race some wide cunt,
Oan tha bypass.
__

Gonnae lift me?
Dinnae hink sae.
Fuckin' bolt man,
It's tha busies.
[x2]
__

Pagger Jonny,
Hes ma dealer.
Get some free smack,
Chase tha dragon.

Brek ma sovvy,
Oan some cunts face.
So ah slash 'im,
Fuckin' jakey.
__

Gonnae lift me?
Dinnae hink sae.
Fuckin' bolt man,
It's tha busies.
[x2]
__

oh nut nut nut nut nut nut nut nut nut nut nut nut nut

BEAT MA CHANTELLE
__

Huv tae go man,
Fur ma tea noo.
Be oot later,
Ma's a cunter.

Git ma crew oot,
Up tae Buckstone.
Start some paggers,
Fuckin' galous!
__

Gonnae lift me?
Dinnae hink sae.
Fuckin' bolt man,
It's tha busies.
[x2]
__

Go oot clubbin',
Tae tha Revvy.
Git pure hammered,
Nut a bouncer.

Up tha toon man,
Doon tha mission.
Pagger goffiks,
Fackin pooftas!
__

Gonnae lift me?
Dinnae hink sae.
Fuckin' bolt man,
It's tha busies.
[x2]
__

Pur got caught man,
'Tisny funny.
Why ye laughin?
Ah'll fuckin' do ye!

In tha prison,
Fir a month noo.
Oot tomorae,
Oh ya dancer!
__

Gonnae lift me?
Dinnae hink sae.
Fuckin' bolt man,
It's tha busies.
[x2]
__

oooooooooooohhhhhhhh nuuuuuuuuuuuut.
oooohhhhh nuuuuuuuuuuuut.
ya cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
 uuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt.

oooooooooooohhhhhhhh nuuuuuuuuuuuut.
oooohhhhh nuuuuuuuuuuuut.
ya cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
 uuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt.

BEAT MA CHANTELLE
__

Gonnae lift me?
Dinnae hink sae.
Fuckin' bolt man,
It's tha busies.
[x4]
__

Drink ma buckfast,
Beat ma Chantelle.
Drink ma buckfast,
Beat ma Chantelle.
[x2]

Ken ah got oot tha hospital man. Ken pure got hame well late n'at, 'twas fukin' barry. Ma ma wis well ragin though, pure belted me over the heid wi a rollin' pin man (ken 'tisny as bad as the time wen a chucked 'er dug oot tha windie. Bint pure paneled me in tha stomach wi a fryin pan sae much ah wis bleedin oot ma arse fir a week) ah wis pure fukin malkied ya cunt. Fuckin boot. Pure woke up next mornin, fuckin' raj heidache man. Ah wiz like "Oh nut jist gonnae no huv tae go tae school tha day ya cunt" . Pure fuckin' rajin man, ah git up, put oan ma KappaTM, sort tha angle o' ma BurberryTM cap, gt all o' ma (genuine) sovvys oan an' grab ma fags.
Ah git tae school, pure teachers bein a fuckin' wide cunt, makin' me dae fuckin shit work n'at. Ah tell 'er its a fuckin' hassle man bit she wis bein a right boot. Theres this pure fuckin' sweaty cunt in tha room fuckin laughin at me man, ken ah pure tell 'im tae git a fuckin haircut man haw haw sweaty dobber. Fuckin cunterbaws. Fukin' lunch bell rings man, ah pure bolt doon tae the alley tae huv a fag wi ma crew. Ahm tellin thum boot this goffik cunt. Ken there sayin ah should kick fuck oot him aifter school. Ah thot it wis a pure barry idea. Speak o' that fuckin devil man these pure goff come roon' tha fuckin corner (ken wer actually fuckin' speakin o' tha devil cos there all pure satan fucks man haw haw oh nut POON!) finkin ther pure raj n'at. Ken pure ma mate Stazzo asks one o' tha cunts fir a fag, ses he pure disny smoke n'at, fackin bullshit! Ahm like tae tha cunt fi earlier: "your pure gittin smashed aifter school ya cheeky cunt!". Hes like fuckin wideo so he disny say fuck an' walks away.
Ken like aifter twinty mair fuckin' periods o' french ahm waitin doon at tha fackin school gate man. Ahv pure told hailf tha fuckin' shcool thit ahm fightin' an theyv all come tae see tha pagger. Tha goffs are pure walkin haim n'at an a pure shout "Square fuckin' go then ya cunt!" pure go up an' hook tha cunt wi ma LammieTM still in ma hand, pure stub it fuckin oot on 'is face man. Ken 'e tunrs aroond an ah pure see thit its no tha fuckin sweaty its a fackin lassie! Ken ye cannae tell the difference wi tha fuckin long hair man "git a fackin haircut!". Pure all o' tha lassies mates turn aroond an there like "wot tha fuck!?". Ken 'nam pure like "nah nae hassle! wisny even fukin me!". All o tha lassies pure jump us man, quiche me an' ma crew ae an fuck aff doon tha road. Then win ahm pure gittin up aff tha groond ah see tha fuckin sweaty cunts comin doo tha hill. Cunts pure like "herd yer wantin a fight then?". Ahm still pure malkied so ah fackin bolt but 'es mate pure stoaps me. So tha dobber pure comes up tae me an breks ma fuckin' nose man, stazzo, gav'ner and wernie cannae day fuck cos there a' quiched man. Ahm jist like "nae fuckin hassle man" ken ah must uv made the cunt pure shit 'imself cos 'e pure fucked off. Ye could even see it runnin' doon 'ez leg man.
Ah fackin' hate goffiks........