I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?



A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and
thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's
innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an
insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground
with a d#ck like that."



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him
in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.



When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids.
Took her out with one punch.



My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.



A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old
daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....
they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."
"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix
out!"



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind
a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."



Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around
in.



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?



I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"



I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty
and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

The Garda stood and faced his God, Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining. Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, Garda. How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?"

The Garda squared his shoulders and said, "No, Lord, I guess I ain't,

Because those of us who carry badges can't always be a Saint.

I've had to work most Sundays, and at times my talk was rough,

and sometimes I've been violent, Because the streets are awfully tough.

But I never took a penny, That wasn't mine to keep.

Though I worked a lot of overtime when the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help, Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place Among the people here.

They never wanted me around except to calm their fear.

If you've a place for me here, Lord, It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much, but if you don't...I'll understand.

There was silence all around the throne

Where the Saints had often trod

As the Garda waited quietly,

For the judgment of his God.

"Step forward now, Garda, You've borne your burdens well

Come walk a beat on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell

I love Cork so much that if I caught one of their hurlers in bed with my missus, I'd tiptoe downstairs and make him a cup of tea."
Joe Lynch, actor.

"We've won one All-Ireland in a row!"
Wexford fan in 1996.

"We're taking this match awful seriously. We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday."
Offaly hurler quoted in the week before an All-Ireland final.

"Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs."
Anonymous Clare hurler.

"Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife…she really hates you."
Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane.

"I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipp. If I had my way, I wouldn’t even tell them the time of the throw-in."
Ger Loughnane on his controversial selection policy.

"You can’t win derbies with donkeys."
Babs Keating before Tipp played and lost to Cork in 1990.

"Colin Corkery is deceptive. He is slower than he looks."
Kerry fan.


They shot the wrong Micheal Collins.
Ollie Murphy to referee Michael Collins after Donegal beat Meath in 2002.

Meath players like to get their retaliation in first.
Cork fan in 1988.

Meath make football a colourful game - you get all black and blue.
Another Cork fan.

We're taking you off but we're not bothering to put on a sub. Just having you off will improve our situation.
Manager to a club player in Derry.

Reporter interviews Kevin Moran on TV after the 1978 All- Ireland final.
Reporter: How's the leg Kevin?
Kevin Moran: It's fuc..... it's very sore.

Q: What's the difference between Paddy Cullen and a turnstile?
A: A turnstile only lets in one at a time.
Kerry fan after Cullen conceded five goals in the 1978 All-Ireland final.

The rules of Meath football are basically simple: if it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it does.
Tyrone fan after a controversial All-Ireland semi-final.





FROM THE GREAT Mícheál Ó Muircheartaigh:

“And Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I’ll tell ye a little story. I was in Times Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a newsstand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have ‘The Kerryman would ye?' To which the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'Do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'... He had both... So I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet..."




"Pat Fox has it on his hurley and is motoring well now ... But here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail ... I've seen it all now - a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"

"He grabs the sliothar, he's on the 50...... He's on the 40...... He's on the 30...... He's on the ground"

"Sean Óg Ó hAilpín.... His father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji - neither a hurling stronghold

"Teddy McCarthy to Mick McCarthy, no relation, Mick McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation "