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OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth games Glaswegian competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a Securicor officer. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the synchronized swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool.

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be found.

Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Dalmarnock, especially anyone who appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Calton Health in the Community anti-drug campaign, synchronized rock throwing and music by The Bridgeton Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused Celtic supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games.

1. Hey baby. It's massive. You know what I'm talking about.
2. What's your resonance frequency?
3. Your lab bench, or mine?
4. Don't you hate it how the coyote always remains suspended in midair until he looks down? It's just SO misleading.
5. Your eyes have a perfect wavelength of 563.4 nm.
6. Wanna couple our equations tonight?
7. I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun-with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
8. Might I integrate your curves tonight?
9. I'm hung like a Foucault pendulum.
10. Two large masses that are close together are supposed to radiate gravitational waves. I think that you're a big part of that.
11. Einstein had great hair, didn't he? I just love your hair.
12. I know the spring constant for my mattress. Wanna take some data?
13. I haven't gotten laid in 4 years, 3 months, and 12 days, plus-or-minus 2 days. Would you care to check my error bars?
14. What's that great perfume? Vacuum grease?
15. I love you. Please don't turn away from me just because I'm a physics major. Oh, okay, I'll leave.
16. A freak lab explosion left me with this 16-inch penis.
17. You're more special than relativity.
18. Those other guys said that your eyes shine like stars. But can they explain how they shine with equal brightness? Oh, okay. I'll leave.
19. Top quark or bottom quark?
20. Bartender, bring this fine lady a Scotch and H2O. Hey baby, that's just my way of saying Scotch and Water. You like?
21. That dress would look even better accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 m/s2
22. Yes I do like to move fast. My style is like a 10 GeV accelerator. Do you like my style?
23. I have E=mc2 tattooed on my ass. Wanna see?
24. I have e=nhf tattooed somewhere else. Wanna see?
25. Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
26. Most women are so complex. They're always like"i! i! i!" But you- you're just so real.
27. Let's exchange fermions!
28. Even the O2 you exhale is fiz-ine!!!
29. I might be a physics major, but I'm no Bohr in bed.
30. Can I have your significant digits?
31. Hey baby, what's your sine?
32. Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
33. Wanna expand my polynomial?
34. Like the ideal vacuum, you're the only thing in my universe. No, it's alright, I'll just go over there.
35. You and Me = Grand Unification
36. I saw your empty valence shell from way over there. Did I mention that my nickname is Sodium?
37. My friends told me that I should ask you out because you can't differentiate. Do you need math help?
38. I'll make you dinner. I'll make you breakfast. But in between, we'll have to have some dessert. And I'm a physics major.
39. How much do you charge? My paper-grading job doesn't pay a lot.
40. Your smile is warmer than hydrogen plasma.
41. Engineers don't know the first thing about pleasing a woman. Friction alone can't get the job done.
42. My last partner wasn't very stable. She spontaneously decayed last week and left me for a neutrino. Bitch.
43. I could get you Roahn Winer's autograph.
44. How do you feel about group experiments?
45. I got a pocket full of radium and my homeboys do too.
46. Would a loser be able to recite pi out to 50 decimal places? Huh? Would he? Oh, okay. I'll leave.
47. In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.
48. I swear I'm not a physics major.
49. Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry would have caused some problems for you.
50. You make me want to be a better physicist.

Corn_Boy - wassup

Corn_Boy - what is the time there?

Lowtax - 11 pm

Corn_Boy - wow, why are you woking so late?

Corn_Boy - what kind of work do you do

Lowtax - VE and SA stuff

Corn_Boy - whats that

Lowtax - VE - Virginian Empire SA - Secretary's Alliance

Corn_Boy - is the secretarys alliance like a union

Lowtax - Kind of. Mostly we just go over to Marcie's house after work and gossip, go to the rodeos, wash cars, etc etc. We also lobby congress.

Lowtax - What do you think about robots?

Corn_Boy - the ones that make the cars?

Lowtax - No, space robots

Corn_Boy - I dont know, I havent met one yet, but I guess they would be cool

Lowtax - I am building a space robot, that's why I asked.

Corn_Boy - ok, will it be going into space?

Lowtax - I am trying. It will be a very useful robot. I am giving it AI. Do you know what that stands for?

Corn_Boy - who is al? do you not like him and is that why you are giving him to the robot

Lowtax - No, AL is my friend, AI means "Abnormal Interests". I learned that and I'm programming my robot to act like a human.

Corn_Boy - like in the disney movie

Lowtax - What is Disney? I don't watch movies, I had to use the parts from my VCR to build my space robot.

Corn_Boy - from a vcr, wow, how does that work

Lowtax - I will tell you, but it is a secret so you can't tell anybody

Corn_Boy - ok, I wont, I promise

Lowtax - I am using the CLOCK in it to have the robot tell time!!!

Corn_Boy - will it have a gun

Lowtax - NO! I am non-violent, and I do not enjoy guns and violence!!! It will have a broom and fishtank and vaccuum. The Ultimate Space Robot!

Corn_Boy - you must be real smarte to be albe to make a space robot, my parents have a dvd player thing, can you turn that into a robot, it has a lasre in it

Lowtax - I can turn everything into Space Robots!

Corn_Boy - have you made many other robots?

Lowtax - Yes, but they don't work the way they were supposed to. One was a BIG ACCIDENT my friend

Corn_Boy - what happened

Lowtax - Grandma fell down the stairs

Corn_Boy - did the robot push her was she alright

Lowtax - I misprogrammed it. I tried to do good, but the robot jumped up and pushed grandma's head and she started spitting and her teeth flew out and the robot shot sparks and grandma fell down the stairs onto my uncle.It was the worst Christmas ever.

Corn_Boy - oh no! sparks, did anything catch on fire

Lowtax - Grandma did, but I got a Pusher robot to shove her outside into the snow.

Corn_Boy - that was lucky, we have christmass in the sumer here, so no snow, you are lucky that you live there, very lucky!

Lowtax - Where do you live?!?

Corn_Boy - I am in new zealand

Lowtax - Wow! I was going to build a robot for a company in New Zealand! They are named "Ochnop Technologies" - have you heard of them?

Corn_Boy - no sorry, I do not know much about the robot industre

Lowtax - You should, some day robots will be in your house! Wether you know it or not!

Pusher robots
Shover robots
Force robots
Bumping robots

you know!

Corn_Boy - I hope that they dont go crasy and shoot me

Lowtax - ROBOTS DO NOT SHOOTS Guns shoots and robots dont go crazy unless you tell them too.

The Pusher robot I am making will shove around the blind people and take them to the store. Then the Shover robot will push bread into their throats.

Corn_Boy - you mucst be a very nice person to be making helper robots

Lowtax - I like to do my part. One day my Space Robots will revolutionize the world! And space!

Lowtax - Space has a terrible power!

Corn_Boy - do you mean like the worm-holes from star trek

Lowtax - I do not watch star trek, it is LIES!@! Space has a terrible power, and my robots will help

Corn_Boy - what is the power?

Lowtax - Venus power = radiation = the Devil! My robots will turn this and make our space program work this time! My pusher robot will shove the space shuttle,