It was a rather moggy Saturday evening (4th Aug) when the Ashley players took to the pitch. There was an air of expectation bubbling throughout the ground, but the expectations were not on the shoulders of Ashley FC but on the back of Greg Makensie's men, the Armagh Celtic bhoys.
Try as the might Ashley found it hard to muster up some troops throughout this competition, and today was no different. A very weak side lined up against Celtic, and everyone new... except for the proud men who were shrouded with the legendary grey and orange tops.
From the first whistle it was clear they were going to have to dig deep, Celtic having found their rhythm a bit sooner. A battle of end to end football ensued with Celtic hitting the cross bar twice in quick succession. Then came, what has become somewhat of a signature goal for the Ashley. Young Chinky came steaming out from the back line, inviting the midfield to attack him... As he drew them in he quickly passed the ball through to Ulty who was on hand to slide the ball past a helpless Swinger McSorley in nets. The small Ashley contingent roared and the players celebrated and began to regroup.
Ashley new they were on egg shells when they scored but at least now Celtic needed 2 to win.
Celtic’s equaliser looked sure to come when ebby toal somehow found himself on the edge of the box, but a blinded Gerry Magee was having none of it! A quick dive to his left and he caught the ball clean at the post.
Ashley began to look comfortable on the ball in the coming minutes and none looked more comfortable than Chinky. He made little boys out of the older men in the Celtic side! Skipping past ducko donnelly, who’s twice his age, with ease! A goal was immanent and Big Da knew it! The sweat was rolling off forehead and past his glasses, which were hanging off the end of his nose as per usual.
BANG! In came the cross and Freddy, who was running for the back post, gracefully came down to earth , from 7ft up and headed the ball into the net 1ft of the floor. Suddenly Ashley had a larger support… any neutrals in the ground began to cheer and shout the odd bit of bad manners at Greg and his men It was clear to see that Ashley were going to take no prisoners!
As if 2 goals weren’t enough, the introduction of young Pip Agnew was about to rip the complete piss out of the Celtic Bhoys! He surprised everyone with his blistering pace and he made mince meat out of Swinger, who already looked like he was out of his depth. A superb run by Pip and it was 3-0. For the first time, not only did Spud smile, but even Chooch was caught smirking at the massive Celtic following… It is even reported that he may have shouted, “Come on the Ashley!” and “If he does it again Tommy, break ‘im!”
Chooch, a force clearly not to be reckoned with!
So half time came and went, and as the Celtic bhoys took on there professional approach to the half time break; drinking water, huddling together, eating oranges and the like… The Ashley boys relaxed with a bit of a chat and a lot of cigarettes…. It was game time before long.
Celtic were hot and heavy from the off and a certain Dee Toal scored not long into the third quarter and for a moment the crowd began to wonder, ‘Can they do it?’ Well, that question was soon answered with a resounding ‘NO!’ when Agnew used his pace yet again to slide another one past the keeper!
It was now 4-1, and even worse for the Celtic ‘mob’, Pip nearly got his hat trick moments later when he scored but it was disallowed due to off-side. However the decision should have been over ruled by shit-Ref O’Hare because Mixer Duffy failed to spot Jug (the Celtic defender) lying down on the line… Unlucky pip, we applaud your effort.
The rest of the game was pretty average and isn’t really worth reporting on. Other players of interest, Christopher Mallon played his balls out (but yer still shit to us Christopher), Stephen Brady who almost skipped past the defence to s

Just thought I'd have a rant... I mean, documenting the life of a lout was just too much work!

Do ye know wat I hate!? MOST things! I hate... the corner of toast that the butter misses, its always the last bite!; cunts that steal phones, know who owns it, but don't try and sneakily return the SIM; I hate... DJ Chill; people who wreck my weekend with anti-drink/drug speels; people who go out once a month and think they're mad; Jews; Crabs; Americans; Technophobes; Anti-racists; People who think they're more worthy of Heaven than me - if it does exist, who the fuck is some MAN dressed in white robes to tell me what to do, I mean, God is supposed to be perfect, who the fuck's a human to tell me wats right and wrong; Star Wars; part time fans (of anything); Spewing; Too much sun, if I wanted to be scalded by the sun I'd join the starvo brigade in Etheopia; Cunts with big massive cocks, they make me feel inadequit; Cereal in the cupboards, NO FUCKING MILK; Whitey's; People who think the call centre is just the maddest ever! cock suckers; The fact that to get an easy ride you have to go out of Armagh, what is it with this place, sex is just a hobby everywhere else, here every ride's looked upon like ye bucked yer ma!; Jocks, especially those who look down on you and preach, ... yeah, like yer a nicer person than me cos yer a fucking footballer! We'll see where yer friends (glory seekers) are when ye stop kicking a ball ye's tramps!; Old people who are clearly infirm but feel the need to get into society and block up shopping aisles and car parks... just fucking die you old basturds!; People who keep telling me certain house parties and events in general are shit just cos they didn't go! Fuck off you jealous basturds; Receptionists who wear trousers, fuck off! Its my right to cop a perv; Boys who go all watery with women cos she kissed him on a drunken nite out; People who wait til they're full to get something off their chest; People who stew opver something they hate about you (or wat yoou said) and don't do a fucking thing about it!; The fact that I have a shit job and therefore have to stop writing now!!!! RIPPIN'

I ESPECIALLY HATE PC!!! ( POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR THOSE DOPIES OUT THERE) SAY WHAT YOU FEEL! HONESTY BUCKS !!!

Now that that's all off my chest, I think its time to relax... I feel better in myself. I encourage you all to do the same

Remember;
Spread the love ,
Buck a Virgin x

I have the help of McAvera now, so this'll be tidy...

Where do we start... The usual friday nite kicked off in style with a bottle of bo down at the river. There were resounding promises of 'no drug taking til tiesto' bouncing round the brown bridge. However a few of us opted for legal pills, less had yokes and loads of tramps hit muts with bags of sessel.
Final result... hcl was hit with an awful sight when I landed into work baked, again!

The next, boom, mcavera and my good self took full advantage of phily's free house. The vibes were roofed from 2pm and nialls crescent were in for a nite of it! Joints were a plenty and the bo and cider was flowing! Livin for it... junkie louts on tour!!!
It wasn't long before king spud got wind of the expedition and arrived by chauffeur driven A3... soon word spred amoungst the brethern and it wasn't long before a mass gathering formed and the whole show kicked off big time! This was to be one of the best weekends of the summer so far and we didn't even know it yet!!!

Along came sunday like a kick in the nuts... Destination: MCAVERAS!
I could dedicate a whole blog to that day... there was an example of every retilious act known to man, it was like jurrasic park. Good weather, big garden and loads and loads of creatures staggering about. It took the host quite some time to get his act together... but when he did, he made up for lost time!!! Holy fuck, in a blaze of his reptilious glory, terranussaurus shaun hit the party with a bang... SHIT finger stephen getting the brunt of the enslaught. Eye witnesses say there were such infamous moves such as the throat grab, the spear and the eye gouge!!! Seens which haven't been matched since the ancient greeks banned there brutally violent pankrathon championships... banned around 150bc! UFC!?, McAvera bucked ya!!!

His reign came to rather hasty ended when charlie the snowman bucked Shaun McAvera and he was soon removing his own flesh by falling in and out off trees and bushes... Sir David Attenborough later commented, saying, "This is common amoungst most reptilious creatures, when they grow to big, the often shed there shin, making way for a new layer of scales!"

Well that concludes part deux, join me later for Ch4; The last in the Trilogy...