You Know Ur A Garda If..........

You have the bladder capacity of five people.


You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.


You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.


You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.


You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.


You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.


You have your weekends off planned for a year.


You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.


You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it Right the first time."


You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.


You think caffeine should be available in IV form.


You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.


Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."


People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places ... and you know where it's located.


You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.


You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH!)


You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."


You do not see daylight from November until May.


People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.


You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."


You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."


You find humor in other people's stupidity.


You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.


You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight"

Michael Schumacher born January 3, 1969, in Hürth Hermülheim, near Cologne is an ex-Formula One driver from Germany, and seven-time world champion. According to the official Formula One web site, he is statistically the greatest driver the sport has ever seen, and is the most successful Formula One driver in history. He is the world's first billionaire athlete, with a yearly salary reported as $80 million in 2004.

Schumacher currently holds nearly every record in Formula One, including those for most drivers' championships, race victories, fastest laps, pole positions, and most races won in a single season.

Schumacher has been noted throughout his career for his ability to produce fast laps at crucial moments in a race, his ability to push his car to the very limit, and for his driving abilities in wet conditions. Wet conditions are often thought of as the great equalizer in Formula One racing, where driver skills trump all else. Some of Schumacher's best performances occurred in such conditions, earning him the title "Regenkönig" (rain king) or "Regenmeister" (rain master). He is also referred to as the Red Baron, both because of his red Ferrari, and also referring to the great German fighter pilot Manfred von Richthofen, the most successful fighter ace of the First World War.

Schumacher was the senior driver in the Formula One world championship, and he was for many years the president of the Grand Prix Drivers Association. He has also become a committed spokesman for road safety, most recently in support of the Make Roads Safe campaign.

Schumacher is credited with popularising Formula One in Germany, where it had little following and was generally considered a fringe sport.

On September 10, 2006, after winning the Italian Grand Prix, Schumacher announced his retirement as a driver. He will be replaced at Ferrari by Kimi Räikkönen for the 2007 season. At the end of 2006, Ferrari will define Schumacher's new position within the reorganised Ferrari team, following his retirement as a race driver. Bernie Ecclestone has said he did not believe Schumacher's decision was final and that he could decide to race next year

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