I can't sleep. Which is odd seeing as all I have been doing all week is sleeping.

I've been crying all night. Well on and off. It's been a while since I properly cried but I made up for it with the vast amounts of tears tonight. I'm not 100% sure why I'm crying. Family reasons mostly. An unreturned I love you, unappreciated work, reading Tabby's blog for the hundreth time (it never ceases to produce tears) and reading inspirational stories.

I'm sick of emotional pain causing physical sickness.
Sick of the overwhelming feeling of life.
Sick of standing up and being greeted by that whirling dizzynes.
Sick of caring what people think of me.
Sick of the sames songs playing over and over just like the same things happening over and over.
I hate repetition.

I'm not crying anymore.

I lie to myself alot. I kid myself into believing things that arn't true until I forget it and I get lost in who I really am. I am so confused.

Confusion.
Contradiction.
Overwhelming.
Emotion.
No Balance.
Tears.
Numb.
Extreme highs.
Extreme lows.
No moderation.

It's time to sleep.

Tabby, I have read your blog three times now...And It has made me cry everytime...I don't know if your awake but I am trying to cry softly anyway because I don't want you to hear me...I remember when I used to cry in my room without the music...And I kind of hoped that you would hear and ask me what was wrong, but you never did. We have a weird relationship...I have always felt second-best to you and I have never been able to stop being jealous of you. When we were little it was you clothes and toys that I wanted, then it was your skills at acting and singing, now I guess it's your friends, maturity and ability to get on well with everyone. For years and years you were my idol and last year I realised you were human. Now I think you are my idol again and I hope I never lose you the way I did these last few years. I thought we would never be close but we are. I think we are finally getting better. I remember when I used to ask you if you thought if we weren't sisters we would be friends and I always said I thought we would...You never seemed so certain. My whole life I have wanted to be you and now I am my own person I still sometimes want to be you. I get so suprised when someone would rather hang out with me than you, I just don't believe it. I have always wanted to share stuff with you, my life and friends and everything because everything that you ahve seems cooler and I think if they are partly yours it will be better. Everytime you broke my trust I told myself I would never forgive you, but I always do...I know I never had yours and I probably never will because of who I am. I know I am not the kind of person you would choose to be friends with because we are so different and I drive you so crazy. I don't know. I love you and I know you love me. But I also know that I hate you. I think hate and love are linked...Because no one is perfect and if you get to know them well enough to love then you know them well enough to hate. The thing is I love you with about 88% of my heart so there is hardly any room to hate you. I will leave you to listen to 'The Wind Beneath My Wings'. It is my favourite song ever and I have always related it to us for some reason...The song has to people in it and I think we are both of those...It seems to mix us together and seperate us...Anyway...I love you and yes I was crying a lake while I wrote this. <3

Latley I have seen so many things written by people about who people who are important to them that it makes me sad. I guess even though I want to write one myself it would be hard to know who to put just like it's hard to put people as top friends. This isn't because I have so many friends I don't ahve room for them all, it's because I really don't have any best friends.

The people I thought were my best friends have backstabbed me so much I can't even call them friends anymore. The people who I hurt and abandoned finally let me go and really don't want me back. The people I became closest to are just not people I am allowed to be friends with. The closest friends I have really do live inside the enclosed space of my computer screen. I can make up their personalities and I can decide how they look, I get to choose how they feel about me and I can say anything to them.

I might write something about the people I love...Or loved or want to love. I doubt they will read it and I doubt they will care.


I have known you for about a year and a half now. I met you in year 7 and I liked you then, although I was the new girl. I was a freak then and no one really liked me, I wish I could say that you reached out to me and we became best friends, but that didn't happen. We didn't know each other well until year 8 and when I finally started to make some friends, I kind of thought you were one until you back stabbed me. It wasn't until the middle of year 8 that we started hating each other and when I found out you were the only other person in my class going to Nayland I asked not to be in your class. It was in the first time that we hung out a little and then I relaised that you were my first female crush. We became pretty close this year and I hope you consider me one of your best friends because I would probably consider you one of mine. We never had a normal friendship because you hurt me alot and I think that's my fault. I think you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met and I still have feelings for you. The other day you really made me feel bad...I made me feel lead on and although I know you didn't mean to, it hurt like hell. Please come abck to school, I am so worried about you and I love you so much. I need to talk to you but if you have your own stuff going on then I would rather talk about that.

We have only known each other 40 days but they have been amazing, I am so glad I accidently ran across your page here and read your blog and replied. I am also so glad that you added me as a friend and we started talking. It was so weird we had like three conversations going at once...On comments our friend stories adn photos or blogs. I really wish that I had saved everything we wrote on those friend storys because I think some of it was quite good and I know yours was. It was great when you added me on Msn we talked for days and we hardly ever ran out of things to say. That whole first week of knowing you I probably smiled more than I ever have before. It was amazing and I remember for ages I texted you every day just random cuddles and stuff. I really did fall for you and I made no effort to keep it secret. I wish you wern't 17. I guess things changed a little recently...I don't really know what, but we stopped talking everyday and I became to scared to say anything. I still thought of you everyday and I haven't been able to go a night without hugging my Pillow since I named it after you. I hadn't talked to you in about a week and then you texted me today. You should have seen my face ligth up in music, everyone got mad because I stopped in the middle of the performence to check my phone and then started texting right there while they were filming. It made me laugh. I never want to lose you because you have become one of the most important people in my life you really have. I love you lots. <3 *cuddles*

I met you through Tabby and I remember that when we first met I didn't really like you much, I had