Gay people go out too late at the weekend. In reference to the Rod Stewart song 'The Killing of Georgie', they wouldn't have as much trouble if they were in bed by ten.

Gay people should have their own public toilets.

Issac Newton did not contribute much to human civilization as discovering gravity did not affect us as it had always been there. Had everyone been floating about then he would rightfully deserve the amount of credit he receives. Einstein's contribution to humanity is similarly unimpressive as Pilkington has never had to use the theory of relativity, whereas, in contrast, whoever invented the video recorder has received no recognition despite the fact that he watches one a week.

An infinite number of monkeys using an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite amount of time, could not produce the complete work of Shakespeare, unless they have read it.

Chinese people age badly in comparison to other races.

You never see old men eating Twix bars.

He thought the diaries of Anne Frank were "an Adrian Mole sort of thing"