How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

1). Under No circumstances May Two men share an umbrella unless at footie when your pies are getting wet by that fine rain and for the eating period only!

2). If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her before he gets a say.

3). Never go to the toilet if it's your round and always finish your pint.

4). No man shall ever be required to buy a Birthday present for another man.

5). On a trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

6). If you miss the start of a match you may ask the score, but not who is playing.

7). Men must eat at least one Kebab a week on the way home from the pub (finishing it for breakfast is ok).

. Before dating your mates ex, you must ask permission.. He must grant it.

9). Never hesitate to reach for last slice of pizza.

10). If a man's fly is down that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

11). If you compliment a blokes six pack, he'd better have a fistful of lager.

12). Only join your girlfriend in criticising your mates if she is withholding sex until you do.

13). Never stand next to another man in a public urinal unless all stalls are in use.

14). The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "Just a friend" have sex, the fact your feeling weird is no reason not to have sex again before you tell her it was a Big mistake.

15). Pals can legally kill and eat any man who takes a camera on a stag night.

16). Any man in a pub with a sexy woman must be sober enough to fight.

17). There is no reason to watch men's gymnastics'. Ever. Even if a relative is involved.

1 . Its acceptable in an emergency for you to drive your bird's car, It is not ok for her to drive yours.

19). The girl who replies to the question "What do want for Xmas"? If you loved me you'd know! Gets a Playstation.

20). You must bail a pal out of jail within 12 hours of being asked.

21). If you trap a woman's head under the covers after you break wind in bed, she is officially your girlfriend.

22). It is never acceptable to stop to ask for directions.

Single men. If you going to reply to a lonely hearts advertisement...

then learn the lingo first!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with aw cunt
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very friendly person
Fun = pain in the arse
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy when drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker