A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this
Really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying
To talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

> A salt shaker,
> A shot of Baileys,
> A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth,
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth,
Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles....

3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like
Consistency hits.....

4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
Disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
Jesus what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink and proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Sweating like a nun in a field full of cucumbers
As mad as a box of frogs
That lad would drink tar from a Wellington boot
Im so hungry id ate a tinkers toenails
Im so hungry id eat a horse and chase the jockey
Shes a cu*nt like a wizards sleve
He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled shit (hungover)
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
Up and down like a hoor's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
I left her with a face like a painters radio
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
As fit as a butcher's dog
She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall
Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her.

She had a face like a chewed wasp
If work was in bed,he'd lie on the floor (my dads fav saying)
She had an arse like the back of a bus
He'd ate ye without salt
I'd eat a horses arse through an iron gate
He wouldnt give ye the steam off his shite

I'd eat a babies arse through it's high chair.
Shes a head like a well boiled cabbage.
The head on her and the price of cabbage.
There's more meat on a butchers apron.
That fella would peel an orange in his pocket wearing boxing gloves.
That one would drink off a scabby leg.
She's a face that would sour milk.
shes so many crabs she walks sideways.
Would you look at your one, all over herself!
(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
i wouldn't get up on him to get over a ditch\!