1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Ocean?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, this type of text is far from it. Sent at 3am, this generally should be translated as:"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? I wanna come round and jump your bones right now!"

Typical response rate is around 10%. The determinates of a successful "fishing" text are alcohol levels in the person receiving the text, how filthy they are, and your marginal propensity to sleep.

A "fishing" text is at its worst wen sent to an ex. Just dont do it! Remove her number from your phone, or, do what i did, simply put "No" after/b4 her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.

(Apparently the aussie's have got this sorted. You can ring up a company b4 you got out and have a specific number barred from your phone for the night! Awesome!)


2) The "T9" classic
For those geeks up on your phone lingo "T9" refers to the predictive text facility found on most mobile phones. Such a programme, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

My personal favourites:

"In supermarket. Fucking steve."

"wish i was inside your gorgeous aunt right now"


''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

it inevitably got written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''


"Fancy a dual?"


3) The "friend locator" text
The only type of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave u to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. U are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your frends several times b4 realising they will not be able to hear them ring. Your solution is to send the following message:

"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.


Response rate: 0.01%

4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

"Why cant all guys be as fit like you!"

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!" (My personal worst - I'm always sending it)

"Im so into you right now."

It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure. x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Response rate: 0% and by sheer coincidence thats exactly how much sex you'll be getting from her after sending it. And also the amount of respect her housemates will have for u after she shows it to them.

5) "Family texts"

Doesnt happen to many, but to those few who accidentily text the parents, it can be disastrous.

Normally, the parents will have had a phone conversation with you prior to going out so they are on your mind slightly.

Parents most likely to recieve messages are those who are dangerously close to fitties in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" alphebeitcally.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?"

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?"

and last but not least...Phone sex.

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south untill im licking and sucking ur wet pussy... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen. The recieving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at christmases and birthdays!


6) "Sex text"
It not big, its not clever. For some reason (normally alcohol) we can send the most disgusting of messages to our loved ones. I wont be dsiplaying any!

7) "The Send to the Wrong Person Text"
Unfortunately this typically occurs when you are bitching about someone or

My Husband = x...Stocken...x
My Wifey =
My Mummy =
My Daddy = x...Matt...x
My Daughter =
My Son =
My Twin =
My Blood Sister = x...Layla...x
My Big Brother =
My Lil Brother =
My Best BoyMate = x...Scotty...x
My Bεst Girl Mate = x...Layla...x
My Bebo Love= x...Lewis...x
My Buzz Boy=
My Lil Randomer = x...Benjamin...x
My PlayBoy= x...Cillian...x
My PlayGirl = x...Trina...x
My Hoe= x...Kay...x
My Fuck Buddie = x...Kev...x
My Secret Admirer =
My Dream Boy =
My Bad Boy = x....Luke...x
My Dirty Dancer =
My Bodγ Guard = x...Layla...x
My Partnεr In Crime = x...Kim...x
My Drinkin Partner = x...George...x
My Partyin Partner = x...Kerri...x
My Posin Partner = x...Amber...x
My Hiking Buddy = x...Layla...x...We like Scenery!...x
My Bit On The Side =
My Hair Dying Buddy = x...Kim...x
My Hero = x...Phil...x

!_*Tell Me Wot U Wna Be*_!

Take the first letter in your first name:
A: I licked
B: I bit
C: I sucked
D: I moved
E: I rubbed
F: I smelt
G: I did anal with
H: I blew
I: I stopped
J: I Photographed
K: I turned on
L: I shoved
M: I tickled
N: I munched
O: I turned off
P: I set light to
Q: I twisted
R: I gobbed on
S: I chucked up on
T: I looked at
U: I walked on
V: I kicked
W: I played with
X: I fucked
Y: I did 69er with
Z: I glared at

Take the day you were born on:
1: The queen
2: A horse
3: A dildo
4: A butt plug
5: A teacher
6: A car exhaust
7: Michael Jackson
8: A male striper
9: A pikey
10: An ugly fat kid
11: Tony Blair
12: A cheeseburger
13: A slut
14: My dad
15: An adult toy
16: A plaster
17: A paint brush
18: My mums used tampon
19: A wig
20: A Flute
21: An old man
22: A fish
23: A mammal
24: A carrot
25: A pubic hair
26: A bogey
27: A pencil sharper
28: A school tie
29: Some used loo-roll
30: Some Y- fronts with skids
31: A fit model

Now take the first letter of your last name
A: For money
B: For fun
C: Because I’m in love
D: And hated it
E: To pass time
F: For a bet
G: Because I wanted to
H: Because it was dry
I: For a free pencil
J: To get onto a game show
K: Because my mum said it would turn her on
L: And loved it
M: For a pet monkey
N: Because I was horny
O: For a free cuddly toy
P: To win a Ferrari
Q: So I could get a boob job
R: For a hob nob
S: To win X-factor
T: All for pleasure
U: For a laugh
V: Because my pet hamster was dying
W: For £100000
X: To skip school
Y: Because I thought my hair looked cool
Z: So people will talk about me

Now write to me and tell me what you got x