Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris does not hunt becau

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1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator

6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.

10. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11. You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14. Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.
15. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to
call your teacher mum or dad.

18. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at then first given opportunity.

19. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.

21. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24. You never ever run out of salt.

25. Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when
you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
had their arm broken by a swan.

30. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on an upturned plug.

31. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34. Bricks are horrible to carry.

35. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad