SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

How to pour the perfect Carling

The glass:
Get a proper beer glass; one that's a good full shape and curves in a little at the top to trap the beer's aromas. Take one of these, make sure it is scrupulously clean, and chill it in the fridge for an hour or so.


The beer:
Beer is never better than when it is delivered from the brewer. It does not improve with age; in fact, over time it will lose some of the crispness of it's flavour. So, for the perfect beer, choose a bottle that hasn't been hanging around the house too long.


The temperature:
This varies with personal taste and with the style of beer. For Carling, something around typical household refrigerator temperatures (2 to 3 deg C) is fine. Make sure the "chill till blue" can is blue.


Pouring:
Slosh some beer into the bottom of the glass to form a head. Then gently pour the beer directly onto the foam to break any large bubbles and pack the head. Leave for a short period to "age" the foam, then tilt the glass and fill carefully. Straighten the glass as it fills and keep pouring until the collar or head just froths over the rim of the glass.
Tip: The bitterness of the hops tends to be most concentrated in the foam of the head, so if you like a good hit of hops to jolt the tastebuds, give yourself a more generous head and sip the beer through it.


Savouring the beer:
Bring the glass to your lips and inhale gently to take in the aroma of the beer. This will awaken your tastebuds to the flavours that are to follow. Then sip, letting the cool beer flow over the tongue so you savour the full complexity of the flavour. Perfect!