01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement
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08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

11 The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably

12 Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

13 When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

14 China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

15 If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

16 Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

17 Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

18 Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

19 Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

20 If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down

21 Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

22 Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

23 Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

24 Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

25 Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

26 Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

27 Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

28 Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

29 If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

30 Scientists used to believe that diamond